Contempt Vs. Respect

It is better to believe God when He says something, than to not - Numbers 14:11 We often struggle with believing God. We say that we trust him, we say that we know he has a good plan for our life, and that he is with us and for us. But the truth is that we often, do not really believe him. See believing, truly believing is like that of child. When you tell a child that you are going to do something, they believe you. If you say, I will be at home at 4 on the dot, and I’m bringing an elephant with me that will have a special gift for you on the tip of it’s nose…as ridiculous as that sounds, that child believes you when you say it. That is, they believe you until you so often let them down that they know better than to believe you. See, the first time you tell a child something, they have no reason to believe you are lying. In fact, as children are growing up in the pureness of who they are, they don’t even know what lies are. They believe you because they don’t know that you could potentially be lying to them, so they have no option than to believe you. But as they quickly discover, people let people down all the time, and so start the lies, start the deceptions, start the failures, and the drop offs. Little by little, that child begins to realize that although you mean well, just because you say it, doesn’t mean it’s true or that it will come to be. Just because you said they will able to fly, doesn’t mean they will be able to. That’s how we all start, with a child-like faith, that just believes. But then as life happens, we lose that faith because of the ups and downs we’ve experience, because of the let downs and the drop offs, the incomplete dreams, the sorry after sorry of unaccomplished promises. We become underwhelmed by promises and simply lose hope, lose faith, don’t believe as easily. At least that way, we aren’t setting ourselves up for failure or let down, right? Wrong….so wrong though! That’s the thing. Yes, we have been let down, yes, we have let others down, yes, life sucks at times and we find ourselves in a whirlwind of emotions, but God is still true and faithful and constant. His love is still over us. When he speaks, he means it. Every single word He says has purpose. Every single intonation, every single syllable, every single whisper, and sigh, has a meaning. Nothing that flows out of His mouth should be something we cannot 100 % trust in and believe. To not believe what He speaks to us and promises us is worst than if we sin the greatest sin in our mind. Murder, adultery, fornication, stealing, lying, cheating, etc…you name the sing, none of them are worst than disbelief in Him. No wonder he says we’d be better off never having known him than to know him and still lack faith in Him. Wow. Think about that…..He would rather you never knew Him, than for you to know Him but not really know Him in all His fullness. He says to Moses, “How long will these people treat me with contempt? Will they never believe me, even after all the miraculous signs I have done among them?” God has done so much in our lives, shoot, in mine for sure! How much more will He have to do to prove to me that if He said it, it will come to pass. That if He says He loves me, He does. That if He says He will use me, He will. That if He says that nothing I do or say or think will ever make Him love me less, He means it. That if I fall, He will be there to pick me up. That if I touch the fire, He can heal my wound. That if He says to put Him first and everything else will fall into place, it will. That no matter what I do, He will work things out for my good if I let Him, then that is exactly what will happen. Come on now. Get with the program (talking to my self here). Contempt – Definition -the feeling that a person or a thing is beneath consideration, worthless, or deserving scorn. -disregard for something that should be taken into account. -the offense of being disobedient to or disrespectful of a court of law and its officers. When will we stop treating God with contempt!? When will we start taking His word into consideration, seeing its worth for all it deserves? When will we take Him into account? When will we choose to obey and respect Him because He is the ultimate authority in our lives? I may be preaching to the choir here, but boy oh boy, I hope you’re hearing this? May our spiritual eyes and ears be open to the fact that He isn’t looking for our perfect sacrifice, He is looking for our respect – which is the opposite of contempt. Respect – Definition: -a feeling of deep admiration for someone or something elicited by their abilities, qualities, or achievements. -due regard for the feelings, wishes, rights, or traditions of others. When has God ever let you down? When has He ever failed you? When has He ever left you? When has He ever stopped pursuing you? When has He ever stopped lavishing His love on you? Doesn’t He then deserve our admiration, our regard because He has shown himself worthy, and proven time and time again that He is able, His very character is faithfulness, and He has always come through, up unto the point of giving His all for us? Is He not worthy then of our regard – for us to put his wishes, his rights, traditions and feelings before ours? Father, help us to see you in the way you deserve. May we fall on our faces as we are humbled by your grace, by your mercy and by your empathy for us. You regard us with such love, you always put us before everything else, and you are able to do it so well for each and every person who lets you. There is nothing that is too great, nothing that is too difficult, to impossible for you to handle. Lavish your love on us, we need you. Remind us how great your love is. Remind our soul that it is well as long as we are with you. Teach us to love ourselves the way you love us, so that we can then in turn love others with the kind of love you pour into us that flows out abundantly out a heart that is full and grateful. Fill us with your joy! May you be our joy in all!

Journey's are Difficult

Have you ever found yourself in a time when you felt like you were the scum of the earth? Been there, done that. When you feel like nothing you do is good. Like you let everyone down that is around you, that you have been trying to hold it together for so long, but you just don't have the strength to keep going? If this sounds even remotely similar, welcome to life. It seems that this life is one where we go through so many hi's and low's that no wonder so many call it a ride. You go through peaks and valleys, you go through deserts and jungles, there are winters there are springs, there are summers there are falls. I definitely find myself in another low. So many things have unfolded within the last couple of weeks that I am overwhelmed at the fact that I am still breathing and haven't somehow been sucked into the pit of the earth. You know what I mean? Like those times in life when you wish that you could just disappear. That the easiest route would be to somehow run as fast as you can until you have exasperated yourself to the point that all you can do is fall. And maybe as you start to sink, and all of you starts to shatter, the pieces will just fade away. But that's not reality. Reality is that in this life, we have to deal with our ish...We don't get to just disappear, we don't get to choose the storms of life that come our way and say well I'll choose to participate in this one but not that one. I wish it was that easy, but it's just not. So what do we do? For me, as I've been dealing with the emotions of betrayal, of unhappiness, of deception, of bitterness and confusion, of simple blah some would say...I've really been trying to navigate through it all and look to my heavenly Father. It's been tough. I feel like there are a million clouds in between us that have clouded my vision, have somehow blocked me and make it so difficult to see, to hear, to feel. But can I tell you that one thing that has been constant through this storm...is that He's been sending me reminders through the muck...reminders that He loves me and that nothing I ever do, nothing that is ever done to me, nothing that is or will be, can ever make Him love me any less, if I choose Him. You know at times, when I feel like a failure, I sit back and reflect and think to myself, why do we as humans suffer so much from the Pauline principle of "the things I want to do I don't do, and the things I want to do, I don't do!" Think about it though...Paul, the very guy who wrote most of the New Testament, who was the first missionary of all time, who was the guy that did some of the biggest damage for the Kingdom of God, was struggling with the same thing. Like, he didn't just say that to say it, he was saying it out of his own brokenness. He had experienced it and was letting them know, hey, I know exactly what this is, cause I find myself in the same boat. Recently, as I was sitting there thinking about the fact that I have failed God so much, and probably will fail Him so much more still in my life. I was telling Him that it kills me to even think about the fact that with some of the decisions coming up in my life that either I or others will have to take, that will deeply affect and impact me and others lives for the rest of our lives, I couldn't help but think, God, I feel like this would be the biggest let down on my part. Allowing this to happen, would be the biggest failure of my life. It scared me. I was left with the image of God's heart breaking and that I was partly responsible for it. And as I was sitting there, I kid you not, my mind was flooded with the story of David and Bathsheba. Why? God only knows. But I could hear a still, quiet voice telling me, Liz, in this story, it was one of the lowest points in David's life. It was a time that most certainly was dark, and caused a huge dent in God's heart, yet...out of this terrible deed, though there were consequences, including the death of a child, serious consequences, Solomon came out of this story. The greatest king Israel would ever know and have came out of the story that seemed to have no hope, so resolution, that seemed so wrong in every way. Wow. Suddenly the words "I will work everything out for your good, if you let me" were so much more real. See, God has been painting a picture in my heart over the last couple of weeks. Throughout my life, my dad and I have always been close. I remember clearly that all my life, whenever I had to make decisions, my dad would sit me down and tell me, "I'm not going to tell you what to do or not do, instead I'd rather look at the options, make sure you know what you're facing, talk it out with you so that you are aware of the consequences to consider with either decision you take. Because mija, yea, you have two options before you, and sometimes, neither one is easy, and all options will always have consequences we will have to deal with. Everything has a consequence. Everything has its pros and cons. But if you have all the info in front of you in order to make an informed decision, then you will at least make the best decision you can. And yea, it will be tough, but you need to be the one to make the decision, not me, because you are the one who will be living with the consequences, because I don't want to tell you what to do because I don't want you to blame me if things don't go the way you thought...but let me tell you this, whatever decision you end up taking, I'll be here. I'll be here to back you up. I have your back, and I will still be your dad and will still love you the same no matter what." See, that's how a dad is supposed to talk to you. And God was reminding me, if your earthly father would love you the same and back you up no matter what decision you make, how much more do you think I will, your heavenly Father! He is the one who has never left me, never let me down, has never abandoned me, has never hurt me. He wants me to relearn His love as a Father for me. And man, life brought on quite the show to put on this production, but I guess it takes extreme measures sometimes for God to really get through to our thick skulls. This indeed will be the hardest thing I have ever gone through in my life...but what I am discovering is that no matter what ends up happening, that is completely out of my control, whatever decisions end up being made, whatever the consequences that I will have to deal with, God wants to restore me unto Him. He wants me to know that He is with me, and He gently reminds me whether it's through someones kind text telling me they are praying for me, or a song that tells me I'm going to be OK, or a verse or a book that shouts out "I love you no matter what" - He is speaking, and I trust Him. I am still a long ways from being restored to fullness, because broken is an understatement for me right now. But may He have His way and may He break me until there is nothing left, so that then...then I can begin to be rebuilt into who He wants me to be. Here's to the journey!

Trust the Captain

Have you ever noticed that in life, when we go through the tough times, at that particular moment, it seems overwhelming. You consider it at that moment to be the worst, unbearable, exhausting, feeling like you won't make it. Then God gets you through it, and you feel blessed, empowered, grateful, excited, and ready to face anything knowing God is on your side, only for the next pitfall or battle to come your way! But if you're the kind of person who writes and reflects, I want you to think about those times. Think about the times that God brought you out of a storm or trial in your life. Reflect on how He got you out of it, how He saved you, how He redeemed you, how He loved you through it and gave you the victory. In that moment, you felt like it was the worst thing you could ever go through, that there would never be anything more overwhelming or worst you could go through. Then the next storm came, and it was even worst than the last one, but God got you through that one too...notice a cycle here? It seems to me that every time we go through the unbearable trial of the moment we are in, we feel like we couldn't ever bear any more, we gain more strength, more knowledge, more power from our previous battles in order to confront and fight the new battle before us. Makes sense...think about war. When soldiers go out to war, if they don't make it past the first battle, means they are dead. They didn't survive. But the soldier who survives and goes on to the next battle has learned tactics, has grown stronger, smarter, more strategic, bolder, and confident because they were able to make it through the previous battle. This is the same in spiritual warfare. If we make it through the first battle, which let's be honest, Christ has already won the victory, so the only way we would loose the battle is if we don't allow God to help us fight through it, if we don't rely on Him to show us how, and if we don't let Him lead us as the captain of the squad. Makes sense again. A soldier has a captain. That soldier depends on the knowledge and expertise that Captain has in order to help see them through the battle to live another day. It is the captains responsibility to ensure that his soldiers make it out alive. But soldiers are explicitly taught to listen to every command that captain gives them. And they listen, because they know their life depends on it. Casualties do happen, but most of the time its due to the fact that unforeseen circumstances rise up that no one was prepared for. But man oh man, we have it good. We happen to have the best Captain as our lead. There is no unforeseen circumstance He doesn't know about, there is no surprise attack that He can't handle, and there is no battle He can't win. Plain and simple. But our Captain is all about giving us choice. The choice to follow His lead or not. Just like on a battlefield, if the soldiers choose to listen to the captain's commands, they are likely to survive and make it to the next battle, any wrong moves, and it could cost them their life. In spiritual warefare, when we make it through the first battle, we too gain strength, wisdom, strategy, boldness, and confidence to face the next plot of the enemy. And don't forget we need to study the enemy. In the same way that soldiers study their enemy to know how to best attack back, study patterns and strategies that have worked before on other enemies, and tweak plans based on any new intelligence, we've got to gear up and study the best way to fight back. For us, in spiritual warfare, that means reflecting on how we overcame the previous battle we went through. Thinking about what we did to defeat the enemy, and putting into play those same tactics, but tweaking based on the new intel you gain. How do we gain intel? By going to the Captain and asking Him to direct us on the exact moves we need to take to bring down the enemy and his plot against us. Think back...on the many times God saved you and helped you make it through the battles of the past. And each time you face a new battle, a new trial, and it seems like that one is now the worst, that you will never make it, you follow His lead again, and make it through, and yet again, another badge gets added to your uniform. You're ready to move on. You're able to face the next fight. God will never give you more than you can bear. But just when we think we can't, He sees us through, and the only reason those battles seem to get more difficult, is because our Captain knows that we have gained the strength, knowledge, boldness and confidence to be able to defeat the enemy once again. He will never put us in or through a circumstance that He can't see us through. But we've got to trust Him in that. We've got to believe that He wants what's best for us, and that if He allows us to go into a battle, that it's because He knows that we have all it takes to get through it because He is for us and fights with us. It's a win/win with Him every time. There is no doubt about it, you've got the victory, but you're going to have to trust Him to lead you. If you try to do it on your own, you're going to step on a land mine and then it'll be over. But if you let Him lead you in every single step, the victories you've won in the past, will prepare you for the victories that are coming in the future. Trust the Captain. I promise He will never fail.

Have you ever wondered to yourself what "worship" truly means?? Do you ever ask yourself that question...?

I was having a conversation with a friend today and this particular question came to mind after mentioning a few things about worship....

In the midst of our conversation I realized that so many people consider worship to be "an act of praise" "offering God reverence and honor"...

Yes, by way of dictionary definition, this is what worship is....but by way of defining worship from a true worshipers standpoint....worship should be so much more....

Many consider a time of worship to be when the lights go up, the music fades in, and a nice, comfy feeling seems to fill the air...

If all goes well, people say, "Man, that was a great time of worship," if even one thing goes wrong, suddenly it's "I don't know, I just wasn't really feeling worship today..."

Wow...

Is that really what we've come to?

We have been called to worship in spirit and in truth...to be worshippers of the true Lord and King, of the One who overcomes, the One who reigns above all, the mighty Prince of Peace, and the One who paid it all for our ransom...He defeated death so that we could live a life of worship unto Him...that we would glorify His name overall...yet, we don't even know what true "worship" means...

Worship is so much more than just music, so much more than instruments playing...than singers belting out remarkable highs and lows, than teams/bands making cohesive noise...worship is a lifestyle.

...it is the way you acknowledge God in everything...all that is around you revolves in Him. You seek Him and only Him because He is the only one who can confirm you and call you redeemed by His blood.

...it is the place in your set of priorities where God is...is He at the forefront...is He the cornerstone of your foundation?? It's about making Him the center of our focus, putting Him in the midst of it all, going no where if He is not leading the way, and moving on if He is saying to go.

Trusting in the middle of the storm

I know it's been a long, long time, but to be honest, writing is like a tool that helps me reflect, and push through my own circumstances. The beautiful thing about sharing what's on your heart, is that what you share could resonate with someone else who is in the same circumstance, and you never know what it can end up doing for them...could be wonderful! Last time I posted was in 2016, and boy have I been through a few things since then. Last November, I went through one of the most trying times of my life. Little did I know that it was only the beginning of a huge storm that was headed my way. It must have been late October when I received word that my Mom's cancer had gotten worst. It had metastasized to the liver, bones, and skin, and doctors no longer felt they were able to provide any medical treatment that could help keep the cancer from spreading. They gave my mom 3 months to live at most. To hear this news as I was 3000 miles away from my mom, her voice trying to be stable as she spoke to me, but shaken with fear and sadness; I knew this was serious, and I knew there was nothing I could do. A few weeks later, we were able to go visit my mom in early November. We came out and after a few days of being by her side, her body went into some kind of heist. We had to take her to the ER because she was having extreme pain, was having difficulty walking, was extremely swollen, and couldn't seem to hold her food or water down. It was the worst condition I had ever seen my mom in at that point, and I couldn't bear it. While we were at the ER, as the hours passed by waiting for a room to put her in, her body seemed to be deteriorating before our eyes. They tried to draw some blood, and I kid you not, what came out was something that looked like a mixture of pink liquid and white foam. The nurses had never seen anything like it. Needless to say, everyone was freaked out except my mom. I was amazed that in the midst of her pain, in the midst of the chaos, the tiredness, the lack of nourishment, and the weird things that were happening, she seemed at peace. Over the next two days, I saw my mom deteriorate more and more. Several doctors came by to see her, when we finally got the words we didn't want to hear. "We are so sorry, but we think this might be it. She's dying. The cancer is eating away at her." I held back the tears, and just listened. I held my mom's hand and just stood still. We would take turns watching over her with my dad and my husband and I. One day, we had served the day shift watching over her. My Dad came to take over and we were headed home to get some rest. My husband wanted to go for a walk at the nearby park. I was exhausted. The last thing I wanted to do was take a walk. But he insisted, so I gave in. As we walked around the lonely park, all I could do was pray out loud. I prayed and battled, prayed and battled, it was as if I was face to face with the devil himself telling him he needed to leave my mom alone. As we crossed over a little bridge, we saw a man walking towards us. He was an older gentleman, looked like he was just out for a stroll. As we were about to pass him, he said hello to us and then looked right at us and said, "Hey there, do you happen to know Jesus?" "As a matter of fact, we do." He went on to tell us that God had told him to go to the park that morning to find some people who knew him. We were the only people he found, haha. So he asked us how we were doing, we told him about what we were going through with my mom, so we stopped right there in the middle of the park, grabbed hands, and prayed together. We prayed that God's will would be done, no matter the outcome, that we would trust him. I knew this was God's way to let us know, I'm with you. That night, we got home and tried to sleep, but I couldn't sleep. I woke up in an anxiety panic. I couldn't breathe, I was crying hysterically, and just began to cry out to God. I was crying out with everything I had in me for God to please not take my mom, that I couldn't bear this at this moment, and that I knew He could save her. I would move from one area of the room to another, from the bedroom to the living room, from one couch to the other, just praying, singing, praying, crying, praying...at one point I just remember saying to God, "Lord, you have an army of believers around the world, would you rise up that army to pray for my Mom, to believe with me for this miracle?" Then, just like that, about 15 minutes after that, I fell asleep like a baby. Around 3 AM, we got up, got ready to go back to the hospital and went on our way. They had moved my mom into a room within the hospital no longer in the ER. I went in as my Dad went home and my husband stayed in the hallway outside the room. I slept on a little cot right next to my mom's bed. She seemed to be sound asleep, which was great, because she hadn't been able to do much of that the past few nights. Around 7 AM, I heard my mom call my name. I turned towards her and said, "Yes, mom, it's me." She was so happy to see me. I asked if she needed anything and she let me know a miracle had happened the night before. She went on to tell me that around 8 PM the night before, they had received a call from a pastor they didn't know in Guatemala, calling to pray for them through a cousin of ours who knew him. He apparently prayed while my Dad was in the ER waiting room and told my Dad to go and lay hands on her and that when he got to her, that she would be doing things she hadn't been able to do. When my Dad hung up, went over to her ER room, he opened the curtain to find my mom, who mind you, had no longer been able to move, walk, eat, sleep, or talk, with her hands raised in the air, waiving them around, and praising God. My Dad was moved to tears at the sight. He told her what had just happened, and she went on to tell him to go ahead and finish it then, to lay hands on her and pray for her; so he did. In a couple of hours they came and moved her into a regular hospital room, where she now was. As I stood there in awe at what I had just heard, she lifted the blanket off her body on her own to show me she was no longer swollen, and could move around perfectly fine! It truly was a miracle! I was so thankful to God. My Mom and I shared all about what God had been speaking to us and just praised God for His goodness. The next day my Mom was released from the hospital. Over the next several days, she just got better and better. She was sustaining her food and water, she was walking around on her own, and doing things like combing her hair, taking a bath, and fixing her bed (of course we would offer, but no, she wanted to do it). It was like she had come back to life. At this point, we had all decided what was for the best, we had come too near to death to take time for granted, so my parents sold their home in California, all their belongings, and moved to North Carolina to live with my husband and I. From Nov through early March, there were minor things that were bothering my Mom, but she was just so happy to be with us. It was such a pleasure to be able to come home everyday and see her, talk with her in person, hug her, hold her, pray with her. We would sit there like two little girls and just chat it up. Then came mid March. The swelling had come back. The vomiting had come back. The pain was increasing. She couldn't hold her food or water again. What was going on? The doctors couldn't explain it. As soon as they heard "cancer patient" everything was about the cancer. There is nothing we can do, she is dying, she is deteriorating, she won't last long. We did all we knew how to do; we prayed. That whole month, we prayed and prayed for another miracle. But this time, the miracle was different. On April 9 around 11:40 pm, my Mom took her last breath as my Dad sat next to her and told her it was ok to let go if she couldn't hold on anymore. I believed that God could raise her from the dead if it was His will, but overall, we wanted His will and not ours. After all, He knows best. The peace I experienced through this circumstance was the very kind the Bible tells us about; a peace that surpasses all understanding. I can't explain it, I have no logical reasoning for how it works, all I know is that I couldn't shake it. I was at such a peace knowing that God was in control. Many times, we are in the middle of a storm, a battle, and all we can see are the wind and waves. We look to our left, we look to our right, and we get overwhelmed at the fact that we are not in control. We fight back, scream, kick, throw up our fists, get frustrated, and worried, instead of fixing our eyes on the one who can calm the wind and waves. The storm comes. It is inevitable to stop nature from taking it's course. But when it comes, the point of God allowing us to go through the storm is so that we can learn how to turn to Him and trust that He is going to navigate us to safety. It's not an easy thing to trust Him when it seems like the waves are crashing in. It's not easy to look at the giant storm and let doubt seep in believing all hope is lost. But it is exactly in the storm that IF we can learn to fix our eyes on Jesus, He will speak to our storm and it will subside at the sound of His voice. It's true that we have the same power to speak to the storm, but we cannot forget that that power does not come from our own, it comes from God who dwells within us. When we let the Holy Spirit take control, the words that come out of our mouths are the very words of Jesus, because it is through the power of the Holy Spirit in us, that we are speaking. What I'm saying is that when we speak, being led by the Spirit, in the leading of the Spirit, it's as if Jesus himself is speaking through us, and at the sound of His voice, the storm will subside. Trust me, if there is anyone that knows this is easier said than done, I know. Like I stated above, the storm I went through in Nov 2016 was only the beginning. The storm we endured in April, was another part, but I'm still in a storm to this day. There is so much chaos happening all around me. The enemy is upset. He wants to overthrow my family, bring division, cause death, but in the middle of this storm, I remember how God got me through the other sets of hurricanes that I've just gone through and survived, and I remember that as long as my eyes are fixed on the one whom the winds and waves obey, I have nothing to fear. His love overcomes all fear. His love tears apart the lies and deceit. His loves makes a way where there seems to be none. His love brings rest and peace. His love devours the darkness. His love defeats all evil that comes against us. My challenge to you is to trust. Trust that God will see you through your storm. Trust that He is in control. Trust that the chaos that is in front of you is only for a moment, but His joy comes in the morning. Trust that He can speak to that storm and will, if you let Him. Let Him.

Preface: the first step towards taking a risk, is taking a step in the right direction

Years have literally gone by, but to be honest, I'm the same ol' person inside. Within that simple sentence, I ask myself internally...is that a good or bad thing? I have to admit that every time I revisit this blog, I read over old posts and get so overjoyed at the many life lessons God has taught me over the span of my life. Whether I was a youngen' writing about the inspirational truths I was learning about, or sharing my life story ups and downs through the years, one thing is certain, God has been an unshakable force through it all. This is a truth I have seen over an over in my posts, in my journaling, in my conversations (both internal and external ones). I love the fact that time and time again, God takes me back to places where I can be reminded of His goodness over the years. He reminds me of the many times He's been by my side, getting me through the worst of times, and leading me in the best of times. Through it all, He has captivated my heart and kept me in His palm, watching over me, gently correcting me, firmly holding me, and lovingly guiding me. So many things that I have endured in this life. So many untold stories...and I am finally coming to a place of realization that everything I have every been through has been for a reason, and that reason, those stories, need to be shared. So many people going through similar circumstances. So many looking for answers of hope. What will my story share? Will it be the hope to that girl who feels she never measures up? Will it be the joy to that young man who is waiting to hear of God's goodness? Or will it be the release for that mother who needs to let the tears flow upon hearing of the tragedies that God helped me turn into victories? My story can be just what you might be looking for...and I'm finally at a place where I feel able and willing to put the shame and guilt and discomfort aside, and just simply tell my story. Who know's, it might just be exactly what you need to read. Little by little, I'll disclose my story. I'll take the risk of being vulnerable all so that through my journey of letting go, you might come along side of me and also learn to be free.

Day after day...

So here I am, now 27 years old, still in the early months of marriage, in a new community, environment and culture, away from my family and friends, and working hard to make my dent for kingdom of my Father!

Let's just say that this new life of mine has been interesting every single day. It seems that not a day goes by without learning something new, without a new challenge, without something new to look forward to, without a new surprise to my ears, eyes, mouth, mind, and heart! Can it be possible that life can be this way? Is is normal to be this happy and excited about what is to come? To look forward to the challenges knowing and seeing the hand of God as it moves so strongly in my life and that of my husbands?

Let me say that more and more I am believing this with all my heart.

A few months ago, Andy and I were given the advice to pray together whenever we could, so Andy suggested "why not now" and we went with it....pretty much one of the best decisions we've made.

Every night we make it a priority to get on our knees or on our faces and just have a good ol' talk with Papa on His throne. It's such an awesome thing that we have been witnessing.

Seriously, we pray for things one night, and within the next day or so we start seeing those prayers answered...it's incredible!!! I have been seeing God's faithfulness in my life more and more and it just makes my mind explode every time. Sometimes I complain, sometimes I cry, sometimes all I do is thank Him, and yet other times, I just tell him about those things deep within...and He ALWAYS listens...its like every night when we are about to go to bed, we get on our knees and it dials out to station 101.2 K-I-N-G (my imaginary station straight to God...1on1 time between the 2 of us to the KING!) I know I'm a nerd...deal with it....

But there we find ourselves...automatically dialing in and He grabs his popcorn and listens in to the dialer for some one on one time...who are we to deserve such attention...yet He takes the time to stop time in His realm of things just to spend it with us, listening to the things He already knows so well, yet desiring all the more to hear them straight from our lips to his ears...WOW!

We are so blessed that we don't even know it sometimes...and I am extremely thankful for that. I am thankful that daily He is giving me more and more faith, increasing it for me in such ways that I believe His word all the more when it tells me that I can do allllll things through Him!

So how is life going...how does it feel now that we have been "welcomed to ministry" -- AWESOME....because God's grace is ever abounding, His love is everflowing, and His anointing is increasing each day as we draw closer to Him.

Thank You my Jesus.

So begins the new journey....

It's been a while and yes, many, many things have changed, and as soon as I get a moment, I want to get on here and write of the many things God has done. One thing I do know as of right now, is that God is on the move...He is preparing some major things for my husband and I and I honestly cannot wait!

It's weird how God leads us through life in such a way that we cannot understand, and can barely explain....it's almost like a dream that you feel is too good to be true. But that is exactly what was preached to us this past Sunday by the NorthWest University President, Joseph Castleberry! And let me tell you, this guy blew my socks off with his sermon...it was filled with so much passion and anointing that I couldn't help but praise God! I am so grateful for God's word that is true and inspiring!

I ask that everyone join us in praying for this year to start the mark, the dent in history, where young people everywhere, who are passionate for God and His kingdom, will begin to break down the walls of the past and begin revolutionizing this world for God's glory!

So excited!!!!!!!!!

Lead me...

God's mercies are new everyday....

What can I say....I am so moved by Him!

This past week was an interesting one being that the days seemed to be dragging me along...or perhaps I was dragging them along...I don't even really know where to start...

Perhaps I can start off by saying that I have been so stressed out with just everything in my life...I was feeling overwhelmed...like the load of things I had over me was just never-ending, and I couldn't seem to find an escape...I was aware that something was wrong, but didn't know which avenue to turn too to release. Of course I knew I had God, and that He was right there by my side, but at the same time...it's almost like I was complacent to the fact that I was sort of stuck and unable to get out of my current state. I was oblivious to the fact that I was getting drowned in a hole of nothingness, becoming more and more open to the temptations around me that were just waiting for me to take one wrong step to fall right into a pit of darkness. However, God is good...and He loves me so much that He is always one step ahead of me and my situation.

I had slowly been trying to relax and become less consumed with the things surrounding me. However, little things here and there would press on me to give up or give in. I can't even explain what or how or where or when, but the truth is that I was getting buried alive. I was being drenched with feelings of inadequacy, of unworthiness, of loneliness, and so much more. Everywhere I turned I could not seem to get past my state of blah. I would read my bible, but my mind would remain in the same place, I would pray, but my heart would not budge enough. I wanted to cry, but the tears would not come out, I would talk and help others, while my own soul was lavishing in anguish. And then to top things off, I became dependent. But dependent of the wrong things.

This past weekend, I was so excited to get to go to Santa Cruz and get away from it all...it was nice for a moment, but then I came back to reality, and the dream came crashing down again...where had I come....? And how did I get so far from the satisfaction and joy that God provides me with? I have no idea...but the enemy is good at figuring out those weaknesses in us...he knows which button to push to destroy you slowly and surely...

So I come back...and it was most noticable to those who really know me...ie...my parents...they could sense that something was wrong...I looked burdened, weighed down, tired....then I had a concert...Starfield to be exact...my favorite worship band...I was excited to be able to go and get refreshed through worship with them along with my dear friends who are always there to enjoy with me...except, there were no friends...all those whom I was counting on...failed me...as people will always do in this life...it's not there fault, and I have nothing against them for that...but the thing is that I became dependent on them...and hadn't even realized it. So off I went to this concert...but no longer as enthusiastic as I wanted to be...suddenly I realized how I was acting..and said a quick prayer asking God to help me to allow myself to enjoy this instead of bask in the negatives. After all I am an optimist...why couldn't I see the good in this solitude?? I just couldn't seem to get past the fact that no one was able to support me and come with me to this thing I wanted to enjoy so bad...but God is good...even as my attitude remained in its state of despise...He slowly began to work as my spirit who was still connected to Him allowed Him to. He began to scrape away the feelings I had...the music began...I held back my worship...but then, Tim, the lead singer stopped for a moment and said a prayer that was so simple, yet so profound to me...which spoke about letting go...just releasing yourself in Him, letting Him refresh you with His living water, from that fountain of life that never ends...at that moment, I could no longer hold back the praise and adoration my heart was desiring to release. I began to worship in spirit and in truth, and man...did He give me of that water. Every song was a blessing, and talking to them at the end was great.

So I leave the concert feeling good, only for another blow to occur haha....oh devil...aren't you astute....or so you think...

I somehow got lost...but the thing is I got lost on a road I know like the back of my palm...that was it...I was beginning to fall apart again...but this time my mind and heart were in line with Him...so I simply said "Ok, I give up...but not on myself, or on this life....I give up on my authority over myself...what do you want from me, what do you want of me..with me?? I'm here....and I'm lost, I don't know where I'm going, and I'm scared...but I give up...you lead the way..."

Wow....even reading over what I just wrote...I am seeing the depth of the words I spoke...so much more than just speaking about my physical condition of being lost...I was lost inside...and I didn't know how I got there...then this song came on...

"Something to Say" by Starfield

I've got something to say
It's been one of those days
When I'm finding it hard to believe in You

I've got something to say
I've forgotten how to pray
And I'm finding it hard to believe the truth

I've got something to say
Right now it feels like You are slipping away
Like I am drowning in a crisis of faith
Like I'm alone

I've got something to say
What was black and white is gray
And I'm finding it hard to believe in You

I've got something to say
Right now it feels like You are slipping away
Like I am drowning in a crisis of faith
Like I'm alone

And faith might mean there won't be answers
And hope might mean enduring through the night
But help me not forget in darkness
The things that I believed in light

I've got something to say
Right now it feels like You are slipping away
Like I am drowning in a crisis of faith
Like I was found, but now I'm lost in the fray

I've got something to say
It's been one of those days
When I'm finding it hard to believe in You

As I listened to the song...I was weaving around roads...trying to find my way out...I wanted to cry so much...but it's as if I was still holding something back...yup..it was my belief that He would respond....and as my heart thought that thought...I got a text message from one of my cousins in Guatemala that said this:
10:38 pm from Likia Alay
"Feliz noche nena mañana t espera un dia especial y una nueva misericordia d Dios esta preparada para ti."

This means: Good night baby girl, tomorrow awaits a special day for you and new mercies from God are prepared for you.

I began to weep...tears were streaming down my cheeks...I couldn't contain myself...I felt so moved at His loving response to my doubtful heart...I began to tell Him how much I did love Him and to forgive me for my unresponsiveness, to forgive me for my doubt, for my lack of faith, for my uncertainty in Him...for everything...because I know how much He cares for me, and that I have nothing to worry about...I couldn't seem to find the right words to speak...then this song followed...

"Absolutely" by Starfield

Lover of my soul
I want to tell you
Only you have all of me
I cannot contain my adoration
I'm in love so desperately

No one is as lovely as you are
There is no one else who has my heart

Jesus you have me completely
Every breath I breathe
I am absolutely in love
Jesus I am yours forever
All of me surrenders
I am absolutely in love with you

Down upon my knees
I'm lost in worship
Humbled by your majesty
What is there to say
But how I love you
Thank you for forgiving me

No one is as lovely as you are
There is no one else who has my heart

Jesus you have me completely
Every breath that I breathe
I am absolutely in love
Jesus I am yours forever
All of me surrenders
I am absolutely in love with you

All I am is yours (all I am is yours)
Only yours

Jesus you have me completely
Every breath that I breathe
I am absolutely in love
Jesus I am yours forever
All of me surrenders
I am absolutely in love
Jesus you have me completely
Every breath that I breathe
I am absolutely in love with you
In love with you

There it was...everything I wanted to say...in that song...wow...yup...I was changed

So the next day came and let's just say the overflow of God's goodness has not stopped since...I am so overjoyed at the mercies He is showing me, I cannot keep quiet about it...I just want to tell the world...and I am so ready to just do anything and everything for Him...I am ready for Him to take me new places, to take me higher, to make my dreams realities, to show me great and mighty things, to use me however He wants, because I am totally, completely, and absolutely in love with Him and ready to do whatever it takes to accomplish the plans He has for my life. I don't know where He is taking me, or the things He has drawn out for me, but what I do know, is that this week is only the beginning...and I am so excited to be completely and utterly dependent on Him and Him alone...I am ready...Lord lead me!

Living today

The way God moves always leaves me astonished...I mean to even try to understand Him, His ways, His actions...it's almost impossible for my simple, human mind. I mean I sit here day in and day out...my life goes by...the days go by...time goes by...yet it seems that each day I learn something new. Each day my eyes are opened up even more to the amazingness of my heavenly Father. He leaves me in awe in ways I cannot describe. He takes my breath away with even the simplest of things.

It is amazing and impressive to me to see how God connects us with people sometimes in ways we cannot fully explain. But there is always a reason He does so. Whether we can see that now or not is not the point. The point is, that if He has connected you to particular people, there is some deep embedded meaning behind that, and if you are clueless as to why, then it's time to start talking more with The Boss to make sure you do the part your are called to play right.

Who ever shows up to a play without their lines, or without knowledge of the play itself? Who ever shows up to a concert to play without their instrument?? We've got to always be prepared to do the work He has set up for us.

Recently I have been noticing that God is doing amazing things in my church. Not only in the body of adults, but also among the young people there. How long have I, my youth pastor and God only knows so many others have been praying for this....I lost count...but the reality that God answered our prayers just in time....timeless....priceless...

In one single night at our Church Family Camp...God answered several of my prayers in a row...did I get blown away? Boy did I...let's just say that my heart and soul were so full of joy that the representation of that joy outwardly expressed came out in what looked like an exercise preparation class for the next Olympics. I could not hold in any longer the joy I was feeling. I could not stand still...all I wanted to do was dance, jump, run, reach...right up to my Father's throne to show Him how grateful I was...to show Him how happy and amazed I was. And this joy...as much as the enemy tries to take it away...I am fighting for it, because it is a gift that my Father gave to me, a gift that no one should be able to take away, unless I let them.

Where is my life headed to?

I have no true idea.

Do I have plans?

Even if I do have certain plans...I am not attached to them...because I know that in the blink of an eye, God could change it all...He could open new doors, He could place me in different places, doing different things...in the blink of an eye, I could be doing everything I love for God alone...so instead of focusing on what is coming, I look to today and focus only on today. Knowing that tomorrow will bring its own joys and worries...for today...I only know that I am joyous, I am growing, and I am ready for what tomorrow will bring be what it may be.

We cannot live this life as if it ours...we must live it to the fullest, each day, representing God fully, and sharing His love and joy with all the world!

Worthy Sacrifice

1 Chronicles 21:24

But the king replied to Araunah, “No, I insist on paying what it is worth. I cannot take what is yours and give it to the Lord. I will not offer a burnt offering that has cost me nothing!”

I am so blown away by this verse…wow!

Have you even read over something, and then re-read it, and re-read it…but then suddenly when you read it again at a different point in your life the significance of it just seems to jump out at you?

This is how I feel sometimes, and reading this verse definitely just shook my mind a little. Let’s back track for a minute here…so we are talking about that story of David’s sin against God of taking a census of Israel. God was quite upset at David for having gone against His will…and so God gave David three choices to choose from as a punishment. Wisely enough, out of the three choices, which were to either suffer 3 years of famine in the land, 3 months of destruction by his enemies, or 3 days of plague over the land, David said “…let me fall into the hands of the Lord, for his mercy is very great. Do not let me fall into human hands” (verse 13 of the same chapter). This is so true! I would much rather fall into the wrath of God than the wrath of man because after all God’s love for us is greater than anything, and His mercy is abounding…so David made a wise choice in deciding to take God’s natural wrath…but even through this choice…70,000 people died as a result of David’s sin…man…imagine having that on your conscience. Not only was there this massive plague though, then God continues on to destroy Jerusalem…the sacred, much loved Jerusalem…yet just as David had said…God’s mercy is very great…and so He called off the angel of death to put away his sword and not destroy Jerusalem…at the sight of this…David does what he knows best to do…he shows his utter repentance by falling on his face with the rest of Israel’s leaders to show God how terrible he felt about sinning against Him. This guy had such a tender heart. I mean…even though he out-right sinned against God, he quickly realized his sin and ran right back to God. And God, in His infinite mercy, gladly accepted David’s repentance, enough that He allowed David to offer up a sacrifice. And here is where we get to the verse above…you see God had stopped the angel right at the threshing floor of Araunah. Araunah was threshing wheat as this all happened…can you imagine??!! You’re just completing your chore of the day…gathering up your harvest…getting ready to relax afterwards...when suddenly, you look up and there is the angel of death about to kill everything in sight, hand on sword…waiting on one command…but the bible says that “…just as the angel was preparing to destroy it, the Lord relented and said to the death angel, ‘Stop! That is enough!’” (verse 15) Wow…I don’t know what I would have done at the sight of all of this before me…nonetheless, God had mercy and David knew it…so David tells Araunah to sell him the threshing floor in order to build an altar to the Lord there. But Araunah is so humbled by this all that he tells David to just take it all, that he’ll even provide the oxen for the sacrifice and the grain offering, the tools, the wood, anything needed. Then David replies to him with those amazing words “No, I insist on paying what it is worth. I cannot take what is yours and give it to the Lord. I will not offer a burnt offering that has cost me nothing!”

I just can’t get over how impressive those words are! I mean do you realize what this means for us??

Here is David…this great, amazing, warrior, king guy and he speaks these wise words that honestly we need to apply to our everyday lives. “I cannot take what is yours and give it to the Lord.” Do you know that there are sometimes people who all they do is take, take, take. They offer things to God, but they’ve never actually paid a price for such. I feel this is a disturbing fact within God’s people nowadays…we have people left and right who say they love God with all their hearts and serve Him and are thankful for all He has done for them…yet what have they ever offered God back that did not cost them blood and sweat…that did not cost them a great price…?? People come and go to church as if it is something they are giving back to God…when church time was not intended as a time for us to simply set aside for God. No…church time is not God time…because God time is something you should live and breathe. It is when you wake up in the morning to either the sun shining brightly as well as when the deep chill from the cold hits you…it’s when you get up, get ready, get in your car, leave to your job or school…it’s when you sit at your desk, chair, lawn, or anyplace you are at as the day goes by…it’s when you come home and rest, sit down and eat, prepare to sleep, and finally shut eyes at the end of another day. All of that…is God time. He is…He was…and He will always be…Church time is simply a time when we can all come together and worship as one body in Christ. It is a time when we can come and delight with those who rejoice, feel for those who are in sorrow, pray with those who are in need, give thanks with those who are blessed. Church time is a time when we come to offer God a sacrifice of praise and adoration as a unified family. Yet, even so, people come to church as if it is a high cost to them. They think this is their gift to God, their share of time that they are giving up to and for God. “I will not offer a burnt offering that has cost me nothing!” How can we want so much from God…His protection, His provision, His mercy, compassion, comfort, happiness, joy, redemption, salvation, His love…yet not be willing to offer a sacrifice back that He is worthy of…one that we actually paid a price for….We should be ashamed of ourselves for being so self-centered and selfish…ashamed that we cannot offer God even a moment of our time as a true sacrifice…one that we know has cost us, one that we know we have paid a price for. Now I am not saying to go out and spend a ton on God, to go out and buy things for the church…those things are fine and dandy…but what God wants is for us to offer Him something that we consider worthy. When you are giving to a loved one…do you give them the cheapest, most grimy, raggedy, torn up, beat up, nasty looking gift…or do you take the time to pick and choose, examine, make sure of the right fit, color, and craft of the gift…don’t lie to yourself…you know you want to give that loved one the best…something that is going to leave them impressed and feeling special…well the same goes for God!!! Our offering to Him should take us time, should make us give up something, should cost us more than the average, because after all, we want to impress Him. Yea, you might say, but how can I possibly impress GOD…what could I ever give Him that would leave Him speechless…believe me…your obedience, your effort to know Him more, your desire to seek Him, your dedication to serve Him, your intention to live for Him, and your strive to be like Him…these are all things that cost us to do…because we have to sacrifice so much to do them…but every good gift takes some sort of sacrifice. It is time that we stop thinking to ourselves that us giving up one day of our busy week is enough sacrifice for God…it is time to stand up and say “I will not offer a burnt offering that has cost me nothing!” What will you offer Him?

Worship...

Have you ever wondered to yourself what "worship" truly means?? Do you ever ask yourself that question...?

I was having a conversation with a friend today and this particular question came to mind after mentioning a few things about worship....

In the midst of our conversation I realized that so many people consider worship to be just "an act of praise" or somehow "offering God reverence and honor"...

Yes, by way of dictionary definition, this is what worship means....but by way of defining worship from a true worshipers standpoint....worship should be so much more....

Many consider a time of worship to be when the lights go up, the music fades in, and a nice, comfy feeling seems to fill the air...

If all goes well, people say, "Man, that was a great time of worship," if even one thing goes wrong, suddenly it's "I don't know, I just wasn't really feeling worship today..."

Wow...

Is that really what we've come to?

We have been called to worship in spirit and in truth...to be worshipers of the true Lord and King, of the One who overcomes, the One who reigns above all, the mighty Prince of Peace, and the One who paid it all for our ransom...He defeated death so that we could live a life of worship unto Him...that we would glorify His name overall...yet, we don't even know what true "worship" means...

Worship is so much more than just music, so much more than instruments playing...than singers belting out remarkable highs and lows, than teams/bands making cohesive noise...worship is a lifestyle.

...it is the way you acknowledge God in everything...all that is around you revolves in Him. You seek Him and only Him because He is the only one who can confirm you and call you redeemed by His blood.

...it is the place in your set of priorities where God is...is He at the forefront...is He the cornerstone of your foundation?? It's about making Him the center of our focus, putting Him in the midst of it all, going no where if He is not leading the way, and pressing on if He has opened the door and directed you down a certain path. He should always be first.

...it is the adoration you offer in your time with Him...spending time alone with Him, talking, listening, conversating, reading His word. What are you offering...sacrificing? He must increase and we must decrease..by spending time with Him we are building our intimacy with Him, and there is nothing better than to have such a relationship with the Creator of the heavens and the earth.

...it is the admiration you extend as you sit in that stillness...It takes more boldness to sit still and know that He is God than it is to march in a crowd full of people shouting that He is Lord. When we sit in nothing more than His presence, we will have no other option but to sit in awe of His greatness, His mercy, compassion, comfort, peace, joy, and unending love....what can compare to Him? Nothing...so we are left there with nothing more but deep admiration for the One who sits on the throne, who sits at the right hand of the Father, and who dwells in our hearts.

...it is the glory you offer through your many sacrifices of praise...the Psalmist said it well when He said "I will sing to Him a new song" because that is what our soul and heart desires at the sight of our awesome God. The sound of His voice makes the nations tremble...all fall silent at the sound of His marvelous name...and one day every knee shall bow and every tongue will confess that He is Lord. We were created to glorify Him...and He has provided us many different avenues for us to offer unto Him...at work, at school, while you're driving, when you shopping, waiting for the bus, sitting at a restaurant...you name it...if you ask God to open the doors for you to share of His love, He will open those doors wide asap...and it is in those times that you can offer your small sacrifice...and not just in that, but how about actually sacrificing...giving up something you love in order to glorify God. Maybe it's watching less TV, playing less games, being involved in less activities, taking more time to read the word, more time in prayer, more time in fellowshipping with other believers, more time talking with non-believers about God, more time discussing the word of God, more time alone with God...the list goes on my friend...the truth of the matter is...in all we do, we should always remember that our lives are to be living sacrifices to God that bring glory to His name for the good of His Kingdom...

Worship.......I think it's time we all started living it the true way...

Living For Him

God, I'm trusting in You.

This life is so full of emptiness and disaster...it's a life of meaninglessness, where self-indulgence, procrastination, self-pity, apathy, and selfishness rotate under the same sphere. Round and round they go, our lives at the center....with so much revolving about, whom shall we trust in, to whom can we call out to?

Is this life worth anything at all? Can anything we do bring about a sense of satisfaction that cannot compare? No. We are but a grain of sand in this vast ocean. We are but a pin in the middle of the haystack. We give up, we fall down, we devour all that stands before us. Yet, nothing seems to satisfy. Why? Because this life was not created for us to indulge in it for ourselves. Since the beginning of time, the Creator made us with the purpose of glorifying Him above all. Of proclaiming His goodness for all of our days, yet with our perverse actions we have taken this life and tried to make it our own. We have taken control in areas where our control only gets us into trouble. We are at a point where we long to be in control, yet we long for something deeper. Yet, we cannot have both. It is about giving up in sincere sacrifice, about lending our hearts to the one who paid the highest price for them. We may give up on ourselves all the time, yet there is one who looks and sees a potential that shines through like the very rays of light that beam upon this earth. He sees us with eyes of grace...a grace that is unwavering...a love that is unfailing. Is that not enough to continue our path? This journey we call life is not about us. It's about making Him the center of it all. Why do we insist on living in a sphere of condemnation...? When He has so freely offers us an escape...redemption through the blood of the lamb. The highest of all priests, the meekest of all kings, He is the one who deserves all the glory. If we can find nothing else in our lives to be reason enough, then look no more...simply glance into your eye and see the Savior as He stands and reigns so sovereignly over all. He dwells in us the moment we open the door, so why do we insist on looking for Him in so many other places, when in reality, all we have to do is look within to find Him. He is cuddled deep within, He is en-wrapped on every side of us, He is ahead, He is behind, He simply...is. If we could only see how much more beautiful this life is when it is in His hands....there is nothing too big, nothing too serious for Him. He is God, and will be forever more. There is nothing we can hold back from Him, there is nothing He cannot overcome.

"Oh Praise the One who paid my debt and raised this life up from the dead..." May this be the anthem of our soul, may it be the song of the redeemed....for He is definitely holy, He is worthy, and praise Him for the simple fact that we have Him to turn to in our solitude, in our moments of distress, in our moments of joy...in everything. We are no longer bound by our old sinful nature...

"...the law no longer holds you in its power, because you died to its power when you died with Christ on the cross. And now you are united with the one who was raised from the dead. As a result, you can produce good fruit, that is, good deeds for God. When we were controlled by our old nature, sinful desires were at work within us, and the law aroused these evil desires that produced sinful deeds, resulting in death. But now we have been released from the law, for we died with Christ, and we are no longer captive to its power. Now we can really serve God, not in the old way by obeying the letter of the law, but in the new way, by the Spirit..." Romans 7:4-6

We are free to live a life that means something...because it is Christ living through us, and so we are truly living for Christ...

"So now there is no condemnation for those who belong to Christ Jesus. For the power of the life-giving Spirit has freed you through Christ Jesus from the power of sin that leads to death. The law of Moses could not save us, because of our sinful nature. But God put into effect a different plan to save us. He sent his own Son in a human body like ours, except that ours are sinful. God destroyed sin's control over us by giving us his Son as a sacrifice for our sins" Romans 8:1-3

Jesus paid it all. He gave His life so that we could be free from sin. All He asks of us is for us to give ourselves up entirely to His will. For our hearts to be melted in His glory, for us to depend on Him instead of depend on ourselves...and we know that if we depend on ourselves, what will we ever accomplish...we are nothing without Him. To Him be all the glory....I trust in You Lord.

How can I give God anything less than my all....

Do you ever wonder how much the extent of God's love for us goes....? Well you'd better believe that I have no doubt in my mind that God loves me unconditionally, and more than anything and anyone will ever love me. He is so good to me that I think to myself, how could I ever give God any less than my best, any less that all I have, any less than my entire life and everything in it....

Recently I had been praying for God to do something for me...I have been working part time for a while now and was starting to grow a little worried because the income I was making was just not meeting all of my needs...and although right now I have been making it day by day, I was wondering how I was going to make it when things get tighter and my school bills start coming in....how would I ever progress myself? And not just that, but my biggest concern was the worry that I might have to look for another job, one that is not as flexible, one that is not something I enjoy doing, something that would take up all my time, something that would pull me away from what I love doing the most which is working for God in the ministry He has given me....it was literally killing me inside to even think that I might have to be pulled away from working in the church/ministry because I needed money to survive in this life...but I held on to the truth that is spoken in the word that He knows all of our needs and He is the ultimate provider. That He provides the needs for those who choose to do good in His name, that He will never give us more than we can bear, and that He will always respond on time...I held on to that truth and the promise that He is always with me...and just as expected...He responded...and as if it's not enough that He responded on time, He responded with even more than I expected. So how about today I get a call from my boss telling me to call our organization's director because they are looking for a part time assistant. I call immediately and the first thing I am told is that the job post was just put on craigslist to make it official and already there were like a million replies of people who wanted to apply for the job....what the heck? And then I am told, however, you are the first person we thought of for the job and so if you want it...it's yours! What in the world...so first of all, the job is offered to me, a job that millions would kill to have...and second of all, well that's coming....so then she describes a bit to me explaining that it's assistant stuff that I already have experience with, that she is willing to teach me as much as I want to learn about nonprofit work and admin stuff, which is what I want to gain experience in..and then to top it off that my schedule is flexible to where I can work from home if I like or have an office, as long as I come to a few meetings they have throughout the year and each month....are you kidding me??? Heck yes I am interested...heh...I was almost in shock and overwhelmed with excitement at God's response to me...GOD I LOVE YOU!!! There is just no one who compares to Him. What can I say...all I want to do is serve Him, nothing else....I get left with no other feeling....what a refreshing feeling to have...PRAISE GOD for He is worthy, WORTHY, WORTHYYYY!!!!

Letting Go...

At times it is so difficult to be there for those you love...it's not that you don't want to be there for them, it's simply that you may not be the correct, or indicated person to be there for them in a particular circumstance. But it is so hard to let go...so many times we see our struggles of letting go as something that we so desperately need for ourselves...we don't want to let go of those selfish, self-absorbed things that overpower and crowd our lives because in one way or another they make us believe that we are fulfilled and satisfied by them, and yea it's hard to let those things go, but at the same time, we know we need to let them go, and so we come before the cross, at the feet of Christ and we lay those things down in hope, surrender, and utter brokeness...asking God to take away that shame, to take away the things that are keeping us from fully receiving His grace...but what about the things that we sometimes need to let go that are important to us for different reasons--for example...what if we have a friend who has become dependent...a friend who has issues that you may have the answer to, you may have a solution to, you may want to help pull them towards, or push them away from...perhaps it is a circumstance that you know there is an alternative route to...however, for one reason or another, it is not your battle and the things you see so clearly, often remain obscure for that person. So what about letting go of that? Letting God take that into complete control? It almost seems harder to me at this point...it's like I know that I can trust that God will take care of everything, but at the same time I want to stick my big toe into it because maybe it's not just my friend who has become dependent on me, or those of us who love him, but maybe it's us who have also become dependent on helping others get out of their ditches, when in reality they needed to learn how to get out of that ditch alone. Is it that God is testing us to see how far we will make it? Is it that God tries our patience to see if we will wait on Him and His timing? Is is that God is trying to show us something deeper than what our minds can grasp blindly...perhaps we need divine revelation, inspiration...what is it? Only God knows....and when those times comes all we can really do is rely on Him in the utmost way. Because after all He is God. Who can go against Him, who will win without Him, who will overcome if not He??? He is the only one who can get us from point a to point b safely...He is the only one who we will one day stand before and be judged by...He is the source of life, and the one who can take life away...He is the one whom all creation obeys...He is God...and I wonder...do we really know Him? Do we understand the depth of His being and His relation to us as His children? It is at times like these that I feel that we lack so much understanding...and then my prayer becomes, Lord provide me with your wisdom, because otherwise I am lost...I am so desperately lost without you! I want understanding above all...and He as my King, and my Lord, is the only one who can provide me that knowledge, wisdom, understanding, and He is the only one who will help me make it through each day, and not only me but those who I am on my knees battling for as well. This life is surrounded by an ongoing war, and this war...boy oh boy, we have no idea how serious it is...it is so much more than what our bare eyes can see...there are principalities and demonic forces out there that are waging for our souls, yet Christ is the victor at the end of this story...there is no denying that! He is victorious, and we all know how this will end one day. And on that day, you'd better believe that I am going to be on the right side, the side of my Savior Jesus Christ. It feels so good to have the understanding that I am on His side and He is on mine. That I am not in this war alone...in fact, I am covered with the precious blood that paid the price in full for me. I have nothing to fear, I have nothing to run away from, I belong to Him, I am His, and He will guard me, He will protect me, and He will be my justice overall. If He is for us, who can be against us.

I'm alive and I'm free....

From celebration to frustration....

Yesterday I celebrated my 25th birthday...I like to call it my Silver year! It was a great day....I really enjoyed myself and the company around me! However, along with great times, also comes sadness and stress.....I am sooooo sad to be leaving the Burg after almost 4 years of calling it home. All that I love is here, but, I gotta do what I gotta do. Now the stressful part comes from the whole move itself. Gosh, why do I have so much stuff??? It has become somewhat of a hell hole this whole finding movers, deciding what to take and what to leave, trying to sell the stuff I am leaving, figuring out how I am going to fit all I want to take back with me.....eh!!! I think if I had someone to help me out a little would help a lot! But the sad fact is, I have no one. Until my parentals come out here in about a week and a half, it's me, myself, and I. Tough, tough! I hate moving to begin with, so my stress level increases daily as I think about it more and more. I have been procrastinating too, partly because I am in denial that I am leaving for real, and partly because I just don't feel like doing anything. So unproductive....not me at all...with that said, I think what I really, really need, is a whole lot of prayer! Desperately need to be covered with prayer right now so I don't flip out at every little thing. I need patience and serenity, peace, understanding, and wisdom. Thanks for your prayers...I need them.

Gratefulness.....

Can I just say that God is amazing.....

As if it is not enough....all that God is doing in my own life....He tops it all off with everything He is doing in the lives of my friends and the people around me. How beautiful it is to send up a prayer to my Father and receive and answer to that very prayer before I even knew it. I love how God is so faithful to us regardless of our failures.

This past week I have been noticing how God responds to me in everything. In all, through all, with all, He is there. He is moving in my life like never before. The things that seem to disturb my heart, and the things that I openly share with God, He listens so intently. He leans over and just listens to everything I have to say and His heart is moved by the things that move me. The beautiful thing about this relationship is that the closer I get to Him, the more my heart moves for the things that move His heart as well. It's a mutual relationship whose roots grow deeper each day....that stirs me more every living moment....that overwhelms me with how magnanimous it is. I am so in love. And yes, at times it feels like that love might not be there, at times it feels less than other times, but like any love, it is there no matter what, it just takes trust and work in those times when it feels like it is gone. I am just glad that He loves me enough to show me in those times when I feel alone, when I feel down, when I feel like I am not worth a dime..that He is still there, that He loves me more the same as ever and will always be by my side. What a beautiful feeling, to feel so secure, so safe in the arms of my Redeemer. There are no words to describe how I feel.

I am just grateful, thankful, feeling blessed that in even the smallest of things He is there, He is responding. Thank you Lord for what you are doing and what you will do!

Left speechless

So as I sit here in bed, just finished up some reading, I can't help but share about a blow-my-mind moment.....I was reading in the book of Exodus....specifically Exodus 34:14 where God was telling Moses on the mountain all that he was to share with the people of Israel....and in the midst of everything God is telling Moses to say he states this:

"You must worship no other gods, but only the Lord, for he is a God who is passionate about his relationship with you."

Wow.......how more real do we want it to be? How much greater of a God could we ask for? How much more love can we require from the one who not only created us but also has the power to squish us like a bug if He really wanted to? Yet, here He is, stating about Himself that he is the God who is passionate about a relationship with us. When one is passionate about something, it means that the feelings and emotions one contains within the deepest part of the self are so overwhelming that they cannot be held back...the emotions are just too intense, too dominating, to the point that they must be expressed. That is a pretty strong feeling to have, in fact, I would argue to say that it is one of the strongest feelings a person could experience. Passion is what drives people to do things, it's what causes people to fall in love and strive to live a life together, it causes people who have a dream or goal to push in order to attain it in life, it causes people who are disturbed by something wrong in the world to take action to change that wrong....passion leads people to make the ultimate sacrifice! And this is what God is saying He has for us, He is passionate about His relationship with us! How amazing is that????! I may seem like a nobody in this world, but the fact is, I am someone enough that God is passionate about me as the individual that I am. I know it's hard to fit a truth like this into the mind at times, because it's just soooo mind-blowing, but just repeat it over and over to yourself, that God....the God of the Universe, the God of the Bible, the one who was so passionate about you and me that He came down to earth in human form and gave His life so that we may live....this is the same God of this verse...the one who is crazy about us and wants to be all about us. To think that litte ol' me, just another gal in this ginormous universe.....God is passionate about His relationship with me...and there is nothing that will ever change that.....hehe.....I'm speechless...

Open your eyes

Isn’t it funny that when we sincerely give ourselves over to God He is so quick to respond…and I think it’s even funnier that sometimes when we are asking God to use us, to put us into action, we are often expecting something huge to happen, but then we feel let down because it seems that nothing big is really happening; however, what we are failing to see is that the simplest of things can often be the very huge thing we have been waiting for. Why is it that we think these huge things that are coming our way have to be in the form of being called to Africa, or giving all our money away to the poor, or taking a bullet for someone in order to save them….? When in reality, before God’s eyes, every little thing that is done in His name is a big deal, is worthwhile, is major! Over this past week, one of the things I am learning over and over is to appreciate the little things. To learn to see with God’s eyes, and feel with His heart. I have been asking God to do what He pleases, to put me into action, to send me out, to give my life purpose….and finally, I am beginning to see it the way He sees it. I ask, and He giveth….but it’s up to me to recognize that all these little things happening around me are His doing. For example, I have been praying a lot for different people, some that I know personally, some that I care for deeply, some that I vaguely know, and others who I can’t really say I know, yet for some reason or another, I pray for them. At times I am not even really sure what I am praying particularly for, but I do anyways. Well, little do we know that these are the stirrings of the Holy Spirit in us. He knows why. He knows exactly what is going on. His heart is beating for that very person as well. And we, well we are the tools He uses to do something. We are His hands, His feet, His embrace, His resources on this earth. Is it coincidence that after asking God to put my life into action this week, I have been getting calls left and right asking for prayer for specific things? Is it coincidence that people I have not talked to in a while are contacting me and telling me random things about what they are currently struggling? Is it coincidence that people who are hurting around me are reaching out to me for an ear or an embrace? No. This is all part of the very thing I have been asking God for. Do you want to be used? Are you asking God to make your life fuller? Are you looking to live a more purpose-filled life? Well then look around you and begin to notice the many things you are already involved in. Look to your sides, front and back and recognize the people in need, pray for them, reach out to them, be there for them, even if it’s just a “Hey I just want you to know I am praying for you, or you’ve been on my mind lately and I just want you to know you’re awesome!” Is it so hard to live this out? Is it so wrong to play these things up as if they were huge occurrences happening in the world? No, because they are huge occurrences, they are God worthy, which means they are worthy of our joy, excitement, and time as well. So go ahead, ask Him to open your eyes wide….you’ll see what I’m talking about.

On my way....

My life has been so blessed these past few weeks, I cannot hide the joy that overwhelms me, and as if the goodness of each day is not enough, it seems to never end, it continues on and on and on. I cannot help but feel sooooo blessed that my God is the most amazing God there has ever been and ever will be.

I feel like God is preparing me for something. My journey has begun, I am in the first stage of whatever is happening and I am overwhelmed with God's response to me. About a week or two ago, I wrote about SOLO, an event for singles held at my local church. It was an awesome event that helped confirm many things for me. Earlier that week, I had gone on a walk in the park near my house for what I call a one-on-one with God. I was frustrated and upset, I was desperate, and in need of venting to someone. The only one whose ear would suffice was God himself. As I walked through the park with my iPod in full blast, my face gave off the impression that I was confused, dazed, perhaps even a bit crazy to those walking past me. However, little did they know I was having an internal battle going on in my head and heart. I was shouting out to God in an attempt to explain my frustration. I began telling God how upset I was that my life up to this point has seemed meaningless, that I felt useless, pointless, and that I didn't understand this feeling of discontent that was in me. I didn't even know what the discontent was for or about, all I knew is that it was eating me up from the inside out and I needed help. All kinds of thoughts were spurting from my mind sharing with my Creator how I felt, how I refused to believe that my life was not meant for something greater, that I knew that God's calling in my life was for something greater, and that I was tired of living a complacent life, and then I said it, "God I'm tired of living for me, I'm tired of it all being just about me, what I want, what I need, what I desire, what I can and can't do..... I am just ready to live for You... I want it all to be about You and what You have for me"....that was it, I surrendered completely. Then a song came on that said this "Hang on, Hang on, sometimes the heartache makes you stronger".....and I broke down. As I slowed my pace and reached the end of the trail, my face soaked in tears, I looked towards the sky and softly said "Ok, I'm hangin in there and I'm ready...I'm in."

Little did I know that this was a major, significant thing that had just happened. I mean, God heard me and He heard me loud and clear, and it started the beginning of this journey. Now it has only been about two weeks or so, but I can see God changing the season around me. Suddenly my walk is getting brighter, suddenly I'm getting calls from all kinds of people in my life asking for prayer, reconnecting with me, asking for advice, and listening to whatever wisdom God inspires me to share with them. I'm also meeting and networking with people, and plan to continue doing so. And not only that, my prayer life is getting even better! As if it were not good enough to go to sleep and wake up to a conversation with God, now it just seems like my faith has boosted even higher. I pray with belief, with full security that God is listening and will respond. I envision the future, and I pray about it asking God to guide me every step of the way. And not only is God reaching out to the people I have been praying for around me where I am at, but even my family, those close to me and not so close, are finding God wherever they are, and I am getting the call from my Mom telling me that so and so got saved, that my Uncle and his wife are preparing to become members of a church, that my nieces and nephews are involved in a local church, that my cousin is marrying a soon to be preacher.....holy cow, when did this all start happening.....well...it's been in process because God never rests, but it is just now coming into perspective for me. Coincidence...? I think not. It is God showing me that the journey has begun and I hold a significant role in this act.

As I was reading my bible tonight I marveled at the story of Moses and how much God was with the Israelites in their journey through the desert to the promiseland. How did I not see the similarity. After reading my bible and the book I am currently reading, Holy Discontent, I got on my knees and began to ask God to continue to stir me to find my own holy discontent, the thing that stirs His heart that also stirs mine enough to make me do something about it in His name. As I prayed, I thanked God for His word that had shown me how amazing He was to the Israelites, that He gave them so much love, He provided the resources, tools, and even all their provisions such as food, water, shelter, and protection....He guided them every step of the way, He never left them, and He was always there with them, ahead of the pack, asking only that they follow Him and obey Him, and He would take care of the rest. As I was saying this to God about the Israelites....suddenly I heard it.....that small still voice, that is not audible, but quiet and still, deep within me, yet completely familiar....And he said to me "I will be with you in the same way"......what can you say to that other than ball your eyes out. Here I was pointing out to Him how amazing He was for doing those things back then for them....wondering how I will ever get anything done that He puts in my heart to do.....but He is still the same God today and He can and will provide the resources, the tools, the provisions, He will open and close the doors that need to be opened and closed, He will lead the way, He will guide my heart on the right path, and He will never leave my side....yes, He will get me to my promiseland....to the place where I am free, where I can flourish, where I can bear and enjoy of the best fruits, where I can live all the days of my life in His joy...His truth....His love. I'm on my way!