Lead me...

God's mercies are new everyday....

What can I say....I am so moved by Him!

This past week was an interesting one being that the days seemed to be dragging me along...or perhaps I was dragging them along...I don't even really know where to start...

Perhaps I can start off by saying that I have been so stressed out with just everything in my life...I was feeling overwhelmed...like the load of things I had over me was just never-ending, and I couldn't seem to find an escape...I was aware that something was wrong, but didn't know which avenue to turn too to release. Of course I knew I had God, and that He was right there by my side, but at the same time...it's almost like I was complacent to the fact that I was sort of stuck and unable to get out of my current state. I was oblivious to the fact that I was getting drowned in a hole of nothingness, becoming more and more open to the temptations around me that were just waiting for me to take one wrong step to fall right into a pit of darkness. However, God is good...and He loves me so much that He is always one step ahead of me and my situation.

I had slowly been trying to relax and become less consumed with the things surrounding me. However, little things here and there would press on me to give up or give in. I can't even explain what or how or where or when, but the truth is that I was getting buried alive. I was being drenched with feelings of inadequacy, of unworthiness, of loneliness, and so much more. Everywhere I turned I could not seem to get past my state of blah. I would read my bible, but my mind would remain in the same place, I would pray, but my heart would not budge enough. I wanted to cry, but the tears would not come out, I would talk and help others, while my own soul was lavishing in anguish. And then to top things off, I became dependent. But dependent of the wrong things.

This past weekend, I was so excited to get to go to Santa Cruz and get away from it all...it was nice for a moment, but then I came back to reality, and the dream came crashing down again...where had I come....? And how did I get so far from the satisfaction and joy that God provides me with? I have no idea...but the enemy is good at figuring out those weaknesses in us...he knows which button to push to destroy you slowly and surely...

So I come back...and it was most noticable to those who really know me...ie...my parents...they could sense that something was wrong...I looked burdened, weighed down, tired....then I had a concert...Starfield to be exact...my favorite worship band...I was excited to be able to go and get refreshed through worship with them along with my dear friends who are always there to enjoy with me...except, there were no friends...all those whom I was counting on...failed me...as people will always do in this life...it's not there fault, and I have nothing against them for that...but the thing is that I became dependent on them...and hadn't even realized it. So off I went to this concert...but no longer as enthusiastic as I wanted to be...suddenly I realized how I was acting..and said a quick prayer asking God to help me to allow myself to enjoy this instead of bask in the negatives. After all I am an optimist...why couldn't I see the good in this solitude?? I just couldn't seem to get past the fact that no one was able to support me and come with me to this thing I wanted to enjoy so bad...but God is good...even as my attitude remained in its state of despise...He slowly began to work as my spirit who was still connected to Him allowed Him to. He began to scrape away the feelings I had...the music began...I held back my worship...but then, Tim, the lead singer stopped for a moment and said a prayer that was so simple, yet so profound to me...which spoke about letting go...just releasing yourself in Him, letting Him refresh you with His living water, from that fountain of life that never ends...at that moment, I could no longer hold back the praise and adoration my heart was desiring to release. I began to worship in spirit and in truth, and man...did He give me of that water. Every song was a blessing, and talking to them at the end was great.

So I leave the concert feeling good, only for another blow to occur haha....oh devil...aren't you astute....or so you think...

I somehow got lost...but the thing is I got lost on a road I know like the back of my palm...that was it...I was beginning to fall apart again...but this time my mind and heart were in line with Him...so I simply said "Ok, I give up...but not on myself, or on this life....I give up on my authority over myself...what do you want from me, what do you want of me..with me?? I'm here....and I'm lost, I don't know where I'm going, and I'm scared...but I give up...you lead the way..."

Wow....even reading over what I just wrote...I am seeing the depth of the words I spoke...so much more than just speaking about my physical condition of being lost...I was lost inside...and I didn't know how I got there...then this song came on...

"Something to Say" by Starfield

I've got something to say
It's been one of those days
When I'm finding it hard to believe in You

I've got something to say
I've forgotten how to pray
And I'm finding it hard to believe the truth

I've got something to say
Right now it feels like You are slipping away
Like I am drowning in a crisis of faith
Like I'm alone

I've got something to say
What was black and white is gray
And I'm finding it hard to believe in You

I've got something to say
Right now it feels like You are slipping away
Like I am drowning in a crisis of faith
Like I'm alone

And faith might mean there won't be answers
And hope might mean enduring through the night
But help me not forget in darkness
The things that I believed in light

I've got something to say
Right now it feels like You are slipping away
Like I am drowning in a crisis of faith
Like I was found, but now I'm lost in the fray

I've got something to say
It's been one of those days
When I'm finding it hard to believe in You

As I listened to the song...I was weaving around roads...trying to find my way out...I wanted to cry so much...but it's as if I was still holding something back...yup..it was my belief that He would respond....and as my heart thought that thought...I got a text message from one of my cousins in Guatemala that said this:
10:38 pm from Likia Alay
"Feliz noche nena mañana t espera un dia especial y una nueva misericordia d Dios esta preparada para ti."

This means: Good night baby girl, tomorrow awaits a special day for you and new mercies from God are prepared for you.

I began to weep...tears were streaming down my cheeks...I couldn't contain myself...I felt so moved at His loving response to my doubtful heart...I began to tell Him how much I did love Him and to forgive me for my unresponsiveness, to forgive me for my doubt, for my lack of faith, for my uncertainty in Him...for everything...because I know how much He cares for me, and that I have nothing to worry about...I couldn't seem to find the right words to speak...then this song followed...

"Absolutely" by Starfield

Lover of my soul
I want to tell you
Only you have all of me
I cannot contain my adoration
I'm in love so desperately

No one is as lovely as you are
There is no one else who has my heart

Jesus you have me completely
Every breath I breathe
I am absolutely in love
Jesus I am yours forever
All of me surrenders
I am absolutely in love with you

Down upon my knees
I'm lost in worship
Humbled by your majesty
What is there to say
But how I love you
Thank you for forgiving me

No one is as lovely as you are
There is no one else who has my heart

Jesus you have me completely
Every breath that I breathe
I am absolutely in love
Jesus I am yours forever
All of me surrenders
I am absolutely in love with you

All I am is yours (all I am is yours)
Only yours

Jesus you have me completely
Every breath that I breathe
I am absolutely in love
Jesus I am yours forever
All of me surrenders
I am absolutely in love
Jesus you have me completely
Every breath that I breathe
I am absolutely in love with you
In love with you

There it was...everything I wanted to say...in that song...wow...yup...I was changed

So the next day came and let's just say the overflow of God's goodness has not stopped since...I am so overjoyed at the mercies He is showing me, I cannot keep quiet about it...I just want to tell the world...and I am so ready to just do anything and everything for Him...I am ready for Him to take me new places, to take me higher, to make my dreams realities, to show me great and mighty things, to use me however He wants, because I am totally, completely, and absolutely in love with Him and ready to do whatever it takes to accomplish the plans He has for my life. I don't know where He is taking me, or the things He has drawn out for me, but what I do know, is that this week is only the beginning...and I am so excited to be completely and utterly dependent on Him and Him alone...I am ready...Lord lead me!