Journey's are Difficult

Have you ever found yourself in a time when you felt like you were the scum of the earth? Been there, done that. When you feel like nothing you do is good. Like you let everyone down that is around you, that you have been trying to hold it together for so long, but you just don't have the strength to keep going? If this sounds even remotely similar, welcome to life. It seems that this life is one where we go through so many hi's and low's that no wonder so many call it a ride. You go through peaks and valleys, you go through deserts and jungles, there are winters there are springs, there are summers there are falls. I definitely find myself in another low. So many things have unfolded within the last couple of weeks that I am overwhelmed at the fact that I am still breathing and haven't somehow been sucked into the pit of the earth. You know what I mean? Like those times in life when you wish that you could just disappear. That the easiest route would be to somehow run as fast as you can until you have exasperated yourself to the point that all you can do is fall. And maybe as you start to sink, and all of you starts to shatter, the pieces will just fade away. But that's not reality. Reality is that in this life, we have to deal with our ish...We don't get to just disappear, we don't get to choose the storms of life that come our way and say well I'll choose to participate in this one but not that one. I wish it was that easy, but it's just not. So what do we do? For me, as I've been dealing with the emotions of betrayal, of unhappiness, of deception, of bitterness and confusion, of simple blah some would say...I've really been trying to navigate through it all and look to my heavenly Father. It's been tough. I feel like there are a million clouds in between us that have clouded my vision, have somehow blocked me and make it so difficult to see, to hear, to feel. But can I tell you that one thing that has been constant through this storm...is that He's been sending me reminders through the muck...reminders that He loves me and that nothing I ever do, nothing that is ever done to me, nothing that is or will be, can ever make Him love me any less, if I choose Him. You know at times, when I feel like a failure, I sit back and reflect and think to myself, why do we as humans suffer so much from the Pauline principle of "the things I want to do I don't do, and the things I want to do, I don't do!" Think about it though...Paul, the very guy who wrote most of the New Testament, who was the first missionary of all time, who was the guy that did some of the biggest damage for the Kingdom of God, was struggling with the same thing. Like, he didn't just say that to say it, he was saying it out of his own brokenness. He had experienced it and was letting them know, hey, I know exactly what this is, cause I find myself in the same boat. Recently, as I was sitting there thinking about the fact that I have failed God so much, and probably will fail Him so much more still in my life. I was telling Him that it kills me to even think about the fact that with some of the decisions coming up in my life that either I or others will have to take, that will deeply affect and impact me and others lives for the rest of our lives, I couldn't help but think, God, I feel like this would be the biggest let down on my part. Allowing this to happen, would be the biggest failure of my life. It scared me. I was left with the image of God's heart breaking and that I was partly responsible for it. And as I was sitting there, I kid you not, my mind was flooded with the story of David and Bathsheba. Why? God only knows. But I could hear a still, quiet voice telling me, Liz, in this story, it was one of the lowest points in David's life. It was a time that most certainly was dark, and caused a huge dent in God's heart, yet...out of this terrible deed, though there were consequences, including the death of a child, serious consequences, Solomon came out of this story. The greatest king Israel would ever know and have came out of the story that seemed to have no hope, so resolution, that seemed so wrong in every way. Wow. Suddenly the words "I will work everything out for your good, if you let me" were so much more real. See, God has been painting a picture in my heart over the last couple of weeks. Throughout my life, my dad and I have always been close. I remember clearly that all my life, whenever I had to make decisions, my dad would sit me down and tell me, "I'm not going to tell you what to do or not do, instead I'd rather look at the options, make sure you know what you're facing, talk it out with you so that you are aware of the consequences to consider with either decision you take. Because mija, yea, you have two options before you, and sometimes, neither one is easy, and all options will always have consequences we will have to deal with. Everything has a consequence. Everything has its pros and cons. But if you have all the info in front of you in order to make an informed decision, then you will at least make the best decision you can. And yea, it will be tough, but you need to be the one to make the decision, not me, because you are the one who will be living with the consequences, because I don't want to tell you what to do because I don't want you to blame me if things don't go the way you thought...but let me tell you this, whatever decision you end up taking, I'll be here. I'll be here to back you up. I have your back, and I will still be your dad and will still love you the same no matter what." See, that's how a dad is supposed to talk to you. And God was reminding me, if your earthly father would love you the same and back you up no matter what decision you make, how much more do you think I will, your heavenly Father! He is the one who has never left me, never let me down, has never abandoned me, has never hurt me. He wants me to relearn His love as a Father for me. And man, life brought on quite the show to put on this production, but I guess it takes extreme measures sometimes for God to really get through to our thick skulls. This indeed will be the hardest thing I have ever gone through in my life...but what I am discovering is that no matter what ends up happening, that is completely out of my control, whatever decisions end up being made, whatever the consequences that I will have to deal with, God wants to restore me unto Him. He wants me to know that He is with me, and He gently reminds me whether it's through someones kind text telling me they are praying for me, or a song that tells me I'm going to be OK, or a verse or a book that shouts out "I love you no matter what" - He is speaking, and I trust Him. I am still a long ways from being restored to fullness, because broken is an understatement for me right now. But may He have His way and may He break me until there is nothing left, so that then...then I can begin to be rebuilt into who He wants me to be. Here's to the journey!