Ready

For the past few weeks, I can honestly say that I have been having a lot of things running through my mind....and not just any little things, sometimes great, big, major things. I mean I am sure it happens to the best of us, but for me it was honestly beginning to bug me a lot....I just didn't know how to deal with all that was going in and out of my mind. It seemed that there was so much flowing around, but so little concreteness to it all. What is one to do with that? Well, I did the only thing I know how to do whenever questions that seem to have no answer pop in my head...I went to God for a one on one. I was so frustrated today, it seemed like I was hitting some type of wall that I could no longer get past, not because I didn't want to, simply, because I was stuck. Those are honestly the worst...when you are stuck for a while and don't even really realize it, so you keep acting like everything is ok, but in reality you are only making things worst. Yes...this is how I felt---as if I was yelling, screaming for help from the inside out. But who can hear the groanings of our inner self....no one....only the one who created that being. Oftentimes when I find myself in these situations, I hold off for a bit hoping it will all just go away....that always ends in FAILURE though. This time, I chose to act before it got too bad. I went out to the park, stuffed my ears with my headphones, and began to walk. I am almost positive that as people walked by me with a smile on their faces, trying to be friendly, my face portrayed more of a confused, dazed, and distressed look that was anything but friendly. I mean I tried to smile back, but secretly I was just hoping I would not pass any people by because I was there on business. I had things bottling up and boiling inside of me that needed to be said, needed to be released, needed answers! Now when I want to release I usually jog, but when it's more of a conversation type of thing, a good long walk is what takes me because in a walk I look at all my surroundings and look for God in every detail I come across. And I talk, I talk away, usually silently, well this time I had a lot to say, a lot to ask, and a lot that I wanted to hear back. As always, God responded. As I walked and shared with Him how upset I was at living such a complacent life...I told Him everything. I told Him how tired I was of just not acting in life, of holding back from doing things or meeting people because of my fears. I let Him know how stirred I am from the many things that have presented themselves in my life over the past few months and also how I am ready to just take a leap...to jump out and just start living a purposeful life. Needless to say that God responded me with a song that said..."Hang on, hang on...I know you're hope is gone....hang on, hang on, sometimes the heartache makes you stronger." So simple, yet it spoke truth to my heart. In the song it talks about remembering the first time love turned us around, the first time we fell in love with grace, the day when we called out Jesus' name....I felt like God was telling me, hey, I understand what you are feeling, I understand you are tired of living in routine, but remember that time when you first fell in love with me....the promises I made you that I would be with you and that I had a special plan for your life....hang in there, because all this is is part of the heartache that makes you stronger. And let me tell you, that I have become stronger....I have become soooo much stronger. But I ma ready now....I am so ready to stop thinking selfishly of myself. Of asking God to give me what I want, what I need. It's time to come back to the beginning of it all....it's about time that I make it all about Him. With that said, I have decided that everything about me, everything I do, say, and am, I want it all to be about Him. I have a desire to meet other people, to engage in conversations of action, to inspire others and be inspired to take my place in the battlefield and finally charge at the front line. I am ready, and He now knows it, and I believe it!