Have you ever wondered to yourself what "worship" truly means?? Do you ever ask yourself that question...?

I was having a conversation with a friend today and this particular question came to mind after mentioning a few things about worship....

In the midst of our conversation I realized that so many people consider worship to be "an act of praise" "offering God reverence and honor"...

Yes, by way of dictionary definition, this is what worship is....but by way of defining worship from a true worshipers standpoint....worship should be so much more....

Many consider a time of worship to be when the lights go up, the music fades in, and a nice, comfy feeling seems to fill the air...

If all goes well, people say, "Man, that was a great time of worship," if even one thing goes wrong, suddenly it's "I don't know, I just wasn't really feeling worship today..."

Wow...

Is that really what we've come to?

We have been called to worship in spirit and in truth...to be worshippers of the true Lord and King, of the One who overcomes, the One who reigns above all, the mighty Prince of Peace, and the One who paid it all for our ransom...He defeated death so that we could live a life of worship unto Him...that we would glorify His name overall...yet, we don't even know what true "worship" means...

Worship is so much more than just music, so much more than instruments playing...than singers belting out remarkable highs and lows, than teams/bands making cohesive noise...worship is a lifestyle.

...it is the way you acknowledge God in everything...all that is around you revolves in Him. You seek Him and only Him because He is the only one who can confirm you and call you redeemed by His blood.

...it is the place in your set of priorities where God is...is He at the forefront...is He the cornerstone of your foundation?? It's about making Him the center of our focus, putting Him in the midst of it all, going no where if He is not leading the way, and moving on if He is saying to go.

Trusting in the middle of the storm

I know it's been a long, long time, but to be honest, writing is like a tool that helps me reflect, and push through my own circumstances. The beautiful thing about sharing what's on your heart, is that what you share could resonate with someone else who is in the same circumstance, and you never know what it can end up doing for them...could be wonderful! Last time I posted was in 2016, and boy have I been through a few things since then. Last November, I went through one of the most trying times of my life. Little did I know that it was only the beginning of a huge storm that was headed my way. It must have been late October when I received word that my Mom's cancer had gotten worst. It had metastasized to the liver, bones, and skin, and doctors no longer felt they were able to provide any medical treatment that could help keep the cancer from spreading. They gave my mom 3 months to live at most. To hear this news as I was 3000 miles away from my mom, her voice trying to be stable as she spoke to me, but shaken with fear and sadness; I knew this was serious, and I knew there was nothing I could do. A few weeks later, we were able to go visit my mom in early November. We came out and after a few days of being by her side, her body went into some kind of heist. We had to take her to the ER because she was having extreme pain, was having difficulty walking, was extremely swollen, and couldn't seem to hold her food or water down. It was the worst condition I had ever seen my mom in at that point, and I couldn't bear it. While we were at the ER, as the hours passed by waiting for a room to put her in, her body seemed to be deteriorating before our eyes. They tried to draw some blood, and I kid you not, what came out was something that looked like a mixture of pink liquid and white foam. The nurses had never seen anything like it. Needless to say, everyone was freaked out except my mom. I was amazed that in the midst of her pain, in the midst of the chaos, the tiredness, the lack of nourishment, and the weird things that were happening, she seemed at peace. Over the next two days, I saw my mom deteriorate more and more. Several doctors came by to see her, when we finally got the words we didn't want to hear. "We are so sorry, but we think this might be it. She's dying. The cancer is eating away at her." I held back the tears, and just listened. I held my mom's hand and just stood still. We would take turns watching over her with my dad and my husband and I. One day, we had served the day shift watching over her. My Dad came to take over and we were headed home to get some rest. My husband wanted to go for a walk at the nearby park. I was exhausted. The last thing I wanted to do was take a walk. But he insisted, so I gave in. As we walked around the lonely park, all I could do was pray out loud. I prayed and battled, prayed and battled, it was as if I was face to face with the devil himself telling him he needed to leave my mom alone. As we crossed over a little bridge, we saw a man walking towards us. He was an older gentleman, looked like he was just out for a stroll. As we were about to pass him, he said hello to us and then looked right at us and said, "Hey there, do you happen to know Jesus?" "As a matter of fact, we do." He went on to tell us that God had told him to go to the park that morning to find some people who knew him. We were the only people he found, haha. So he asked us how we were doing, we told him about what we were going through with my mom, so we stopped right there in the middle of the park, grabbed hands, and prayed together. We prayed that God's will would be done, no matter the outcome, that we would trust him. I knew this was God's way to let us know, I'm with you. That night, we got home and tried to sleep, but I couldn't sleep. I woke up in an anxiety panic. I couldn't breathe, I was crying hysterically, and just began to cry out to God. I was crying out with everything I had in me for God to please not take my mom, that I couldn't bear this at this moment, and that I knew He could save her. I would move from one area of the room to another, from the bedroom to the living room, from one couch to the other, just praying, singing, praying, crying, praying...at one point I just remember saying to God, "Lord, you have an army of believers around the world, would you rise up that army to pray for my Mom, to believe with me for this miracle?" Then, just like that, about 15 minutes after that, I fell asleep like a baby. Around 3 AM, we got up, got ready to go back to the hospital and went on our way. They had moved my mom into a room within the hospital no longer in the ER. I went in as my Dad went home and my husband stayed in the hallway outside the room. I slept on a little cot right next to my mom's bed. She seemed to be sound asleep, which was great, because she hadn't been able to do much of that the past few nights. Around 7 AM, I heard my mom call my name. I turned towards her and said, "Yes, mom, it's me." She was so happy to see me. I asked if she needed anything and she let me know a miracle had happened the night before. She went on to tell me that around 8 PM the night before, they had received a call from a pastor they didn't know in Guatemala, calling to pray for them through a cousin of ours who knew him. He apparently prayed while my Dad was in the ER waiting room and told my Dad to go and lay hands on her and that when he got to her, that she would be doing things she hadn't been able to do. When my Dad hung up, went over to her ER room, he opened the curtain to find my mom, who mind you, had no longer been able to move, walk, eat, sleep, or talk, with her hands raised in the air, waiving them around, and praising God. My Dad was moved to tears at the sight. He told her what had just happened, and she went on to tell him to go ahead and finish it then, to lay hands on her and pray for her; so he did. In a couple of hours they came and moved her into a regular hospital room, where she now was. As I stood there in awe at what I had just heard, she lifted the blanket off her body on her own to show me she was no longer swollen, and could move around perfectly fine! It truly was a miracle! I was so thankful to God. My Mom and I shared all about what God had been speaking to us and just praised God for His goodness. The next day my Mom was released from the hospital. Over the next several days, she just got better and better. She was sustaining her food and water, she was walking around on her own, and doing things like combing her hair, taking a bath, and fixing her bed (of course we would offer, but no, she wanted to do it). It was like she had come back to life. At this point, we had all decided what was for the best, we had come too near to death to take time for granted, so my parents sold their home in California, all their belongings, and moved to North Carolina to live with my husband and I. From Nov through early March, there were minor things that were bothering my Mom, but she was just so happy to be with us. It was such a pleasure to be able to come home everyday and see her, talk with her in person, hug her, hold her, pray with her. We would sit there like two little girls and just chat it up. Then came mid March. The swelling had come back. The vomiting had come back. The pain was increasing. She couldn't hold her food or water again. What was going on? The doctors couldn't explain it. As soon as they heard "cancer patient" everything was about the cancer. There is nothing we can do, she is dying, she is deteriorating, she won't last long. We did all we knew how to do; we prayed. That whole month, we prayed and prayed for another miracle. But this time, the miracle was different. On April 9 around 11:40 pm, my Mom took her last breath as my Dad sat next to her and told her it was ok to let go if she couldn't hold on anymore. I believed that God could raise her from the dead if it was His will, but overall, we wanted His will and not ours. After all, He knows best. The peace I experienced through this circumstance was the very kind the Bible tells us about; a peace that surpasses all understanding. I can't explain it, I have no logical reasoning for how it works, all I know is that I couldn't shake it. I was at such a peace knowing that God was in control. Many times, we are in the middle of a storm, a battle, and all we can see are the wind and waves. We look to our left, we look to our right, and we get overwhelmed at the fact that we are not in control. We fight back, scream, kick, throw up our fists, get frustrated, and worried, instead of fixing our eyes on the one who can calm the wind and waves. The storm comes. It is inevitable to stop nature from taking it's course. But when it comes, the point of God allowing us to go through the storm is so that we can learn how to turn to Him and trust that He is going to navigate us to safety. It's not an easy thing to trust Him when it seems like the waves are crashing in. It's not easy to look at the giant storm and let doubt seep in believing all hope is lost. But it is exactly in the storm that IF we can learn to fix our eyes on Jesus, He will speak to our storm and it will subside at the sound of His voice. It's true that we have the same power to speak to the storm, but we cannot forget that that power does not come from our own, it comes from God who dwells within us. When we let the Holy Spirit take control, the words that come out of our mouths are the very words of Jesus, because it is through the power of the Holy Spirit in us, that we are speaking. What I'm saying is that when we speak, being led by the Spirit, in the leading of the Spirit, it's as if Jesus himself is speaking through us, and at the sound of His voice, the storm will subside. Trust me, if there is anyone that knows this is easier said than done, I know. Like I stated above, the storm I went through in Nov 2016 was only the beginning. The storm we endured in April, was another part, but I'm still in a storm to this day. There is so much chaos happening all around me. The enemy is upset. He wants to overthrow my family, bring division, cause death, but in the middle of this storm, I remember how God got me through the other sets of hurricanes that I've just gone through and survived, and I remember that as long as my eyes are fixed on the one whom the winds and waves obey, I have nothing to fear. His love overcomes all fear. His love tears apart the lies and deceit. His loves makes a way where there seems to be none. His love brings rest and peace. His love devours the darkness. His love defeats all evil that comes against us. My challenge to you is to trust. Trust that God will see you through your storm. Trust that He is in control. Trust that the chaos that is in front of you is only for a moment, but His joy comes in the morning. Trust that He can speak to that storm and will, if you let Him. Let Him.

Preface: the first step towards taking a risk, is taking a step in the right direction

Years have literally gone by, but to be honest, I'm the same ol' person inside. Within that simple sentence, I ask myself internally...is that a good or bad thing? I have to admit that every time I revisit this blog, I read over old posts and get so overjoyed at the many life lessons God has taught me over the span of my life. Whether I was a youngen' writing about the inspirational truths I was learning about, or sharing my life story ups and downs through the years, one thing is certain, God has been an unshakable force through it all. This is a truth I have seen over an over in my posts, in my journaling, in my conversations (both internal and external ones). I love the fact that time and time again, God takes me back to places where I can be reminded of His goodness over the years. He reminds me of the many times He's been by my side, getting me through the worst of times, and leading me in the best of times. Through it all, He has captivated my heart and kept me in His palm, watching over me, gently correcting me, firmly holding me, and lovingly guiding me. So many things that I have endured in this life. So many untold stories...and I am finally coming to a place of realization that everything I have every been through has been for a reason, and that reason, those stories, need to be shared. So many people going through similar circumstances. So many looking for answers of hope. What will my story share? Will it be the hope to that girl who feels she never measures up? Will it be the joy to that young man who is waiting to hear of God's goodness? Or will it be the release for that mother who needs to let the tears flow upon hearing of the tragedies that God helped me turn into victories? My story can be just what you might be looking for...and I'm finally at a place where I feel able and willing to put the shame and guilt and discomfort aside, and just simply tell my story. Who know's, it might just be exactly what you need to read. Little by little, I'll disclose my story. I'll take the risk of being vulnerable all so that through my journey of letting go, you might come along side of me and also learn to be free.

Day after day...

So here I am, now 27 years old, still in the early months of marriage, in a new community, environment and culture, away from my family and friends, and working hard to make my dent for kingdom of my Father!

Let's just say that this new life of mine has been interesting every single day. It seems that not a day goes by without learning something new, without a new challenge, without something new to look forward to, without a new surprise to my ears, eyes, mouth, mind, and heart! Can it be possible that life can be this way? Is is normal to be this happy and excited about what is to come? To look forward to the challenges knowing and seeing the hand of God as it moves so strongly in my life and that of my husbands?

Let me say that more and more I am believing this with all my heart.

A few months ago, Andy and I were given the advice to pray together whenever we could, so Andy suggested "why not now" and we went with it....pretty much one of the best decisions we've made.

Every night we make it a priority to get on our knees or on our faces and just have a good ol' talk with Papa on His throne. It's such an awesome thing that we have been witnessing.

Seriously, we pray for things one night, and within the next day or so we start seeing those prayers answered...it's incredible!!! I have been seeing God's faithfulness in my life more and more and it just makes my mind explode every time. Sometimes I complain, sometimes I cry, sometimes all I do is thank Him, and yet other times, I just tell him about those things deep within...and He ALWAYS listens...its like every night when we are about to go to bed, we get on our knees and it dials out to station 101.2 K-I-N-G (my imaginary station straight to God...1on1 time between the 2 of us to the KING!) I know I'm a nerd...deal with it....

But there we find ourselves...automatically dialing in and He grabs his popcorn and listens in to the dialer for some one on one time...who are we to deserve such attention...yet He takes the time to stop time in His realm of things just to spend it with us, listening to the things He already knows so well, yet desiring all the more to hear them straight from our lips to his ears...WOW!

We are so blessed that we don't even know it sometimes...and I am extremely thankful for that. I am thankful that daily He is giving me more and more faith, increasing it for me in such ways that I believe His word all the more when it tells me that I can do allllll things through Him!

So how is life going...how does it feel now that we have been "welcomed to ministry" -- AWESOME....because God's grace is ever abounding, His love is everflowing, and His anointing is increasing each day as we draw closer to Him.

Thank You my Jesus.

So begins the new journey....

It's been a while and yes, many, many things have changed, and as soon as I get a moment, I want to get on here and write of the many things God has done. One thing I do know as of right now, is that God is on the move...He is preparing some major things for my husband and I and I honestly cannot wait!

It's weird how God leads us through life in such a way that we cannot understand, and can barely explain....it's almost like a dream that you feel is too good to be true. But that is exactly what was preached to us this past Sunday by the NorthWest University President, Joseph Castleberry! And let me tell you, this guy blew my socks off with his sermon...it was filled with so much passion and anointing that I couldn't help but praise God! I am so grateful for God's word that is true and inspiring!

I ask that everyone join us in praying for this year to start the mark, the dent in history, where young people everywhere, who are passionate for God and His kingdom, will begin to break down the walls of the past and begin revolutionizing this world for God's glory!

So excited!!!!!!!!!

Lead me...

God's mercies are new everyday....

What can I say....I am so moved by Him!

This past week was an interesting one being that the days seemed to be dragging me along...or perhaps I was dragging them along...I don't even really know where to start...

Perhaps I can start off by saying that I have been so stressed out with just everything in my life...I was feeling overwhelmed...like the load of things I had over me was just never-ending, and I couldn't seem to find an escape...I was aware that something was wrong, but didn't know which avenue to turn too to release. Of course I knew I had God, and that He was right there by my side, but at the same time...it's almost like I was complacent to the fact that I was sort of stuck and unable to get out of my current state. I was oblivious to the fact that I was getting drowned in a hole of nothingness, becoming more and more open to the temptations around me that were just waiting for me to take one wrong step to fall right into a pit of darkness. However, God is good...and He loves me so much that He is always one step ahead of me and my situation.

I had slowly been trying to relax and become less consumed with the things surrounding me. However, little things here and there would press on me to give up or give in. I can't even explain what or how or where or when, but the truth is that I was getting buried alive. I was being drenched with feelings of inadequacy, of unworthiness, of loneliness, and so much more. Everywhere I turned I could not seem to get past my state of blah. I would read my bible, but my mind would remain in the same place, I would pray, but my heart would not budge enough. I wanted to cry, but the tears would not come out, I would talk and help others, while my own soul was lavishing in anguish. And then to top things off, I became dependent. But dependent of the wrong things.

This past weekend, I was so excited to get to go to Santa Cruz and get away from it all...it was nice for a moment, but then I came back to reality, and the dream came crashing down again...where had I come....? And how did I get so far from the satisfaction and joy that God provides me with? I have no idea...but the enemy is good at figuring out those weaknesses in us...he knows which button to push to destroy you slowly and surely...

So I come back...and it was most noticable to those who really know me...ie...my parents...they could sense that something was wrong...I looked burdened, weighed down, tired....then I had a concert...Starfield to be exact...my favorite worship band...I was excited to be able to go and get refreshed through worship with them along with my dear friends who are always there to enjoy with me...except, there were no friends...all those whom I was counting on...failed me...as people will always do in this life...it's not there fault, and I have nothing against them for that...but the thing is that I became dependent on them...and hadn't even realized it. So off I went to this concert...but no longer as enthusiastic as I wanted to be...suddenly I realized how I was acting..and said a quick prayer asking God to help me to allow myself to enjoy this instead of bask in the negatives. After all I am an optimist...why couldn't I see the good in this solitude?? I just couldn't seem to get past the fact that no one was able to support me and come with me to this thing I wanted to enjoy so bad...but God is good...even as my attitude remained in its state of despise...He slowly began to work as my spirit who was still connected to Him allowed Him to. He began to scrape away the feelings I had...the music began...I held back my worship...but then, Tim, the lead singer stopped for a moment and said a prayer that was so simple, yet so profound to me...which spoke about letting go...just releasing yourself in Him, letting Him refresh you with His living water, from that fountain of life that never ends...at that moment, I could no longer hold back the praise and adoration my heart was desiring to release. I began to worship in spirit and in truth, and man...did He give me of that water. Every song was a blessing, and talking to them at the end was great.

So I leave the concert feeling good, only for another blow to occur haha....oh devil...aren't you astute....or so you think...

I somehow got lost...but the thing is I got lost on a road I know like the back of my palm...that was it...I was beginning to fall apart again...but this time my mind and heart were in line with Him...so I simply said "Ok, I give up...but not on myself, or on this life....I give up on my authority over myself...what do you want from me, what do you want of me..with me?? I'm here....and I'm lost, I don't know where I'm going, and I'm scared...but I give up...you lead the way..."

Wow....even reading over what I just wrote...I am seeing the depth of the words I spoke...so much more than just speaking about my physical condition of being lost...I was lost inside...and I didn't know how I got there...then this song came on...

"Something to Say" by Starfield

I've got something to say
It's been one of those days
When I'm finding it hard to believe in You

I've got something to say
I've forgotten how to pray
And I'm finding it hard to believe the truth

I've got something to say
Right now it feels like You are slipping away
Like I am drowning in a crisis of faith
Like I'm alone

I've got something to say
What was black and white is gray
And I'm finding it hard to believe in You

I've got something to say
Right now it feels like You are slipping away
Like I am drowning in a crisis of faith
Like I'm alone

And faith might mean there won't be answers
And hope might mean enduring through the night
But help me not forget in darkness
The things that I believed in light

I've got something to say
Right now it feels like You are slipping away
Like I am drowning in a crisis of faith
Like I was found, but now I'm lost in the fray

I've got something to say
It's been one of those days
When I'm finding it hard to believe in You

As I listened to the song...I was weaving around roads...trying to find my way out...I wanted to cry so much...but it's as if I was still holding something back...yup..it was my belief that He would respond....and as my heart thought that thought...I got a text message from one of my cousins in Guatemala that said this:
10:38 pm from Likia Alay
"Feliz noche nena mañana t espera un dia especial y una nueva misericordia d Dios esta preparada para ti."

This means: Good night baby girl, tomorrow awaits a special day for you and new mercies from God are prepared for you.

I began to weep...tears were streaming down my cheeks...I couldn't contain myself...I felt so moved at His loving response to my doubtful heart...I began to tell Him how much I did love Him and to forgive me for my unresponsiveness, to forgive me for my doubt, for my lack of faith, for my uncertainty in Him...for everything...because I know how much He cares for me, and that I have nothing to worry about...I couldn't seem to find the right words to speak...then this song followed...

"Absolutely" by Starfield

Lover of my soul
I want to tell you
Only you have all of me
I cannot contain my adoration
I'm in love so desperately

No one is as lovely as you are
There is no one else who has my heart

Jesus you have me completely
Every breath I breathe
I am absolutely in love
Jesus I am yours forever
All of me surrenders
I am absolutely in love with you

Down upon my knees
I'm lost in worship
Humbled by your majesty
What is there to say
But how I love you
Thank you for forgiving me

No one is as lovely as you are
There is no one else who has my heart

Jesus you have me completely
Every breath that I breathe
I am absolutely in love
Jesus I am yours forever
All of me surrenders
I am absolutely in love with you

All I am is yours (all I am is yours)
Only yours

Jesus you have me completely
Every breath that I breathe
I am absolutely in love
Jesus I am yours forever
All of me surrenders
I am absolutely in love
Jesus you have me completely
Every breath that I breathe
I am absolutely in love with you
In love with you

There it was...everything I wanted to say...in that song...wow...yup...I was changed

So the next day came and let's just say the overflow of God's goodness has not stopped since...I am so overjoyed at the mercies He is showing me, I cannot keep quiet about it...I just want to tell the world...and I am so ready to just do anything and everything for Him...I am ready for Him to take me new places, to take me higher, to make my dreams realities, to show me great and mighty things, to use me however He wants, because I am totally, completely, and absolutely in love with Him and ready to do whatever it takes to accomplish the plans He has for my life. I don't know where He is taking me, or the things He has drawn out for me, but what I do know, is that this week is only the beginning...and I am so excited to be completely and utterly dependent on Him and Him alone...I am ready...Lord lead me!

Living today

The way God moves always leaves me astonished...I mean to even try to understand Him, His ways, His actions...it's almost impossible for my simple, human mind. I mean I sit here day in and day out...my life goes by...the days go by...time goes by...yet it seems that each day I learn something new. Each day my eyes are opened up even more to the amazingness of my heavenly Father. He leaves me in awe in ways I cannot describe. He takes my breath away with even the simplest of things.

It is amazing and impressive to me to see how God connects us with people sometimes in ways we cannot fully explain. But there is always a reason He does so. Whether we can see that now or not is not the point. The point is, that if He has connected you to particular people, there is some deep embedded meaning behind that, and if you are clueless as to why, then it's time to start talking more with The Boss to make sure you do the part your are called to play right.

Who ever shows up to a play without their lines, or without knowledge of the play itself? Who ever shows up to a concert to play without their instrument?? We've got to always be prepared to do the work He has set up for us.

Recently I have been noticing that God is doing amazing things in my church. Not only in the body of adults, but also among the young people there. How long have I, my youth pastor and God only knows so many others have been praying for this....I lost count...but the reality that God answered our prayers just in time....timeless....priceless...

In one single night at our Church Family Camp...God answered several of my prayers in a row...did I get blown away? Boy did I...let's just say that my heart and soul were so full of joy that the representation of that joy outwardly expressed came out in what looked like an exercise preparation class for the next Olympics. I could not hold in any longer the joy I was feeling. I could not stand still...all I wanted to do was dance, jump, run, reach...right up to my Father's throne to show Him how grateful I was...to show Him how happy and amazed I was. And this joy...as much as the enemy tries to take it away...I am fighting for it, because it is a gift that my Father gave to me, a gift that no one should be able to take away, unless I let them.

Where is my life headed to?

I have no true idea.

Do I have plans?

Even if I do have certain plans...I am not attached to them...because I know that in the blink of an eye, God could change it all...He could open new doors, He could place me in different places, doing different things...in the blink of an eye, I could be doing everything I love for God alone...so instead of focusing on what is coming, I look to today and focus only on today. Knowing that tomorrow will bring its own joys and worries...for today...I only know that I am joyous, I am growing, and I am ready for what tomorrow will bring be what it may be.

We cannot live this life as if it ours...we must live it to the fullest, each day, representing God fully, and sharing His love and joy with all the world!