From celebration to frustration....

Yesterday I celebrated my 25th birthday...I like to call it my Silver year! It was a great day....I really enjoyed myself and the company around me! However, along with great times, also comes sadness and stress.....I am sooooo sad to be leaving the Burg after almost 4 years of calling it home. All that I love is here, but, I gotta do what I gotta do. Now the stressful part comes from the whole move itself. Gosh, why do I have so much stuff??? It has become somewhat of a hell hole this whole finding movers, deciding what to take and what to leave, trying to sell the stuff I am leaving, figuring out how I am going to fit all I want to take back with me.....eh!!! I think if I had someone to help me out a little would help a lot! But the sad fact is, I have no one. Until my parentals come out here in about a week and a half, it's me, myself, and I. Tough, tough! I hate moving to begin with, so my stress level increases daily as I think about it more and more. I have been procrastinating too, partly because I am in denial that I am leaving for real, and partly because I just don't feel like doing anything. So unproductive....not me at all...with that said, I think what I really, really need, is a whole lot of prayer! Desperately need to be covered with prayer right now so I don't flip out at every little thing. I need patience and serenity, peace, understanding, and wisdom. Thanks for your prayers...I need them.

Gratefulness.....

Can I just say that God is amazing.....

As if it is not enough....all that God is doing in my own life....He tops it all off with everything He is doing in the lives of my friends and the people around me. How beautiful it is to send up a prayer to my Father and receive and answer to that very prayer before I even knew it. I love how God is so faithful to us regardless of our failures.

This past week I have been noticing how God responds to me in everything. In all, through all, with all, He is there. He is moving in my life like never before. The things that seem to disturb my heart, and the things that I openly share with God, He listens so intently. He leans over and just listens to everything I have to say and His heart is moved by the things that move me. The beautiful thing about this relationship is that the closer I get to Him, the more my heart moves for the things that move His heart as well. It's a mutual relationship whose roots grow deeper each day....that stirs me more every living moment....that overwhelms me with how magnanimous it is. I am so in love. And yes, at times it feels like that love might not be there, at times it feels less than other times, but like any love, it is there no matter what, it just takes trust and work in those times when it feels like it is gone. I am just glad that He loves me enough to show me in those times when I feel alone, when I feel down, when I feel like I am not worth a dime..that He is still there, that He loves me more the same as ever and will always be by my side. What a beautiful feeling, to feel so secure, so safe in the arms of my Redeemer. There are no words to describe how I feel.

I am just grateful, thankful, feeling blessed that in even the smallest of things He is there, He is responding. Thank you Lord for what you are doing and what you will do!

Left speechless

So as I sit here in bed, just finished up some reading, I can't help but share about a blow-my-mind moment.....I was reading in the book of Exodus....specifically Exodus 34:14 where God was telling Moses on the mountain all that he was to share with the people of Israel....and in the midst of everything God is telling Moses to say he states this:

"You must worship no other gods, but only the Lord, for he is a God who is passionate about his relationship with you."

Wow.......how more real do we want it to be? How much greater of a God could we ask for? How much more love can we require from the one who not only created us but also has the power to squish us like a bug if He really wanted to? Yet, here He is, stating about Himself that he is the God who is passionate about a relationship with us. When one is passionate about something, it means that the feelings and emotions one contains within the deepest part of the self are so overwhelming that they cannot be held back...the emotions are just too intense, too dominating, to the point that they must be expressed. That is a pretty strong feeling to have, in fact, I would argue to say that it is one of the strongest feelings a person could experience. Passion is what drives people to do things, it's what causes people to fall in love and strive to live a life together, it causes people who have a dream or goal to push in order to attain it in life, it causes people who are disturbed by something wrong in the world to take action to change that wrong....passion leads people to make the ultimate sacrifice! And this is what God is saying He has for us, He is passionate about His relationship with us! How amazing is that????! I may seem like a nobody in this world, but the fact is, I am someone enough that God is passionate about me as the individual that I am. I know it's hard to fit a truth like this into the mind at times, because it's just soooo mind-blowing, but just repeat it over and over to yourself, that God....the God of the Universe, the God of the Bible, the one who was so passionate about you and me that He came down to earth in human form and gave His life so that we may live....this is the same God of this verse...the one who is crazy about us and wants to be all about us. To think that litte ol' me, just another gal in this ginormous universe.....God is passionate about His relationship with me...and there is nothing that will ever change that.....hehe.....I'm speechless...

Open your eyes

Isn’t it funny that when we sincerely give ourselves over to God He is so quick to respond…and I think it’s even funnier that sometimes when we are asking God to use us, to put us into action, we are often expecting something huge to happen, but then we feel let down because it seems that nothing big is really happening; however, what we are failing to see is that the simplest of things can often be the very huge thing we have been waiting for. Why is it that we think these huge things that are coming our way have to be in the form of being called to Africa, or giving all our money away to the poor, or taking a bullet for someone in order to save them….? When in reality, before God’s eyes, every little thing that is done in His name is a big deal, is worthwhile, is major! Over this past week, one of the things I am learning over and over is to appreciate the little things. To learn to see with God’s eyes, and feel with His heart. I have been asking God to do what He pleases, to put me into action, to send me out, to give my life purpose….and finally, I am beginning to see it the way He sees it. I ask, and He giveth….but it’s up to me to recognize that all these little things happening around me are His doing. For example, I have been praying a lot for different people, some that I know personally, some that I care for deeply, some that I vaguely know, and others who I can’t really say I know, yet for some reason or another, I pray for them. At times I am not even really sure what I am praying particularly for, but I do anyways. Well, little do we know that these are the stirrings of the Holy Spirit in us. He knows why. He knows exactly what is going on. His heart is beating for that very person as well. And we, well we are the tools He uses to do something. We are His hands, His feet, His embrace, His resources on this earth. Is it coincidence that after asking God to put my life into action this week, I have been getting calls left and right asking for prayer for specific things? Is it coincidence that people I have not talked to in a while are contacting me and telling me random things about what they are currently struggling? Is it coincidence that people who are hurting around me are reaching out to me for an ear or an embrace? No. This is all part of the very thing I have been asking God for. Do you want to be used? Are you asking God to make your life fuller? Are you looking to live a more purpose-filled life? Well then look around you and begin to notice the many things you are already involved in. Look to your sides, front and back and recognize the people in need, pray for them, reach out to them, be there for them, even if it’s just a “Hey I just want you to know I am praying for you, or you’ve been on my mind lately and I just want you to know you’re awesome!” Is it so hard to live this out? Is it so wrong to play these things up as if they were huge occurrences happening in the world? No, because they are huge occurrences, they are God worthy, which means they are worthy of our joy, excitement, and time as well. So go ahead, ask Him to open your eyes wide….you’ll see what I’m talking about.

On my way....

My life has been so blessed these past few weeks, I cannot hide the joy that overwhelms me, and as if the goodness of each day is not enough, it seems to never end, it continues on and on and on. I cannot help but feel sooooo blessed that my God is the most amazing God there has ever been and ever will be.

I feel like God is preparing me for something. My journey has begun, I am in the first stage of whatever is happening and I am overwhelmed with God's response to me. About a week or two ago, I wrote about SOLO, an event for singles held at my local church. It was an awesome event that helped confirm many things for me. Earlier that week, I had gone on a walk in the park near my house for what I call a one-on-one with God. I was frustrated and upset, I was desperate, and in need of venting to someone. The only one whose ear would suffice was God himself. As I walked through the park with my iPod in full blast, my face gave off the impression that I was confused, dazed, perhaps even a bit crazy to those walking past me. However, little did they know I was having an internal battle going on in my head and heart. I was shouting out to God in an attempt to explain my frustration. I began telling God how upset I was that my life up to this point has seemed meaningless, that I felt useless, pointless, and that I didn't understand this feeling of discontent that was in me. I didn't even know what the discontent was for or about, all I knew is that it was eating me up from the inside out and I needed help. All kinds of thoughts were spurting from my mind sharing with my Creator how I felt, how I refused to believe that my life was not meant for something greater, that I knew that God's calling in my life was for something greater, and that I was tired of living a complacent life, and then I said it, "God I'm tired of living for me, I'm tired of it all being just about me, what I want, what I need, what I desire, what I can and can't do..... I am just ready to live for You... I want it all to be about You and what You have for me"....that was it, I surrendered completely. Then a song came on that said this "Hang on, Hang on, sometimes the heartache makes you stronger".....and I broke down. As I slowed my pace and reached the end of the trail, my face soaked in tears, I looked towards the sky and softly said "Ok, I'm hangin in there and I'm ready...I'm in."

Little did I know that this was a major, significant thing that had just happened. I mean, God heard me and He heard me loud and clear, and it started the beginning of this journey. Now it has only been about two weeks or so, but I can see God changing the season around me. Suddenly my walk is getting brighter, suddenly I'm getting calls from all kinds of people in my life asking for prayer, reconnecting with me, asking for advice, and listening to whatever wisdom God inspires me to share with them. I'm also meeting and networking with people, and plan to continue doing so. And not only that, my prayer life is getting even better! As if it were not good enough to go to sleep and wake up to a conversation with God, now it just seems like my faith has boosted even higher. I pray with belief, with full security that God is listening and will respond. I envision the future, and I pray about it asking God to guide me every step of the way. And not only is God reaching out to the people I have been praying for around me where I am at, but even my family, those close to me and not so close, are finding God wherever they are, and I am getting the call from my Mom telling me that so and so got saved, that my Uncle and his wife are preparing to become members of a church, that my nieces and nephews are involved in a local church, that my cousin is marrying a soon to be preacher.....holy cow, when did this all start happening.....well...it's been in process because God never rests, but it is just now coming into perspective for me. Coincidence...? I think not. It is God showing me that the journey has begun and I hold a significant role in this act.

As I was reading my bible tonight I marveled at the story of Moses and how much God was with the Israelites in their journey through the desert to the promiseland. How did I not see the similarity. After reading my bible and the book I am currently reading, Holy Discontent, I got on my knees and began to ask God to continue to stir me to find my own holy discontent, the thing that stirs His heart that also stirs mine enough to make me do something about it in His name. As I prayed, I thanked God for His word that had shown me how amazing He was to the Israelites, that He gave them so much love, He provided the resources, tools, and even all their provisions such as food, water, shelter, and protection....He guided them every step of the way, He never left them, and He was always there with them, ahead of the pack, asking only that they follow Him and obey Him, and He would take care of the rest. As I was saying this to God about the Israelites....suddenly I heard it.....that small still voice, that is not audible, but quiet and still, deep within me, yet completely familiar....And he said to me "I will be with you in the same way"......what can you say to that other than ball your eyes out. Here I was pointing out to Him how amazing He was for doing those things back then for them....wondering how I will ever get anything done that He puts in my heart to do.....but He is still the same God today and He can and will provide the resources, the tools, the provisions, He will open and close the doors that need to be opened and closed, He will lead the way, He will guide my heart on the right path, and He will never leave my side....yes, He will get me to my promiseland....to the place where I am free, where I can flourish, where I can bear and enjoy of the best fruits, where I can live all the days of my life in His joy...His truth....His love. I'm on my way!